Come To The Light
by SVUFictionalWriter
Summary: The sequel of my first story, "Things Done In The Dark", where Detective Benson tries to pick up the broken pieces of her life. Post Lewis. Based on "Imprisoned Lives". If you're a Bensidy fan then this story will interest you more than my other story.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One - The Quiet Before The Storm**

_Things done in the dark, will surely, come to the light._

The ride to Nassau University Medical Center is somber and quiet. The skies are a gloomy blue and a smokey grey. The sun has long disappeared and the rain is forming in the clouds. It was the quiet before the storm.

Liv is becoming fully aware of her freedom. She feels as if there is no trace of alcohol or drugs in her system. The spinning of her head, the drowsiness, and the nausea are no longer severe. Fin drives and Amaro holds Liv closely in the back seat. She allows her head to rest on his chest. She's vulnerable but too hurt to care about her vulnerability. Occasionally, Fin glances at Liv through the rear view. Both men try to hold their emotions together. Liv, unknowingly, needs them to lift her up, in any way. There is no room for her partners to break down in pieces. There is only room for them pick up her broken pieces. And there is so many broken pieces._ So many_.

She wants to sleep. An electric shock would be nice. More than anything, Liv longs for a shower. There's a wetness and a stinging pain between her legs. Psychologically, she feels his balls and erect penis still groping her bare butt. Her nostrils may never get over the scent of the Beast's urine. _His sperm._

Just the thought of that humiliates Liv all over again. She quickly takes her head off of Nick's chest. She doesn't want him to smell her because he'll know. He'll know everything Lewis did to her, to her body. Liv can't have them knowing all the details. How would they look at her, or think of her, if they knew _everything._

_She_ doesn't even know everything. There is still a huge part of her time with Lewis that is unaccounted for, but she prays she never remembers. She knows that she beat Lewis but can't remember doing it. "Liv-What's wrong?" Nick worries when Liv takes her head away from his chest. He tries to get her to look at him but her face is turned the other way. "Look. We're almost there right. This will be over soon." Nick reassures his partner when she doesn't answer his question.

_The hospital? They'll have to do a rape kit on me._ Liv's mind spins out of control while her body language stays frozen. She can't go through a rape kit. She just wants to be left alone. She wants to scrub her entire body until it bleeds. She yearns to scrub her body until it's brand new. Liv knows the rape kit is a standard protocol. She knows that it needs to be done right away. Her heart jumps when her own thought surprises her, _he should have just killed me._

The sound of Fin's ringtone causes Liv's body to shudder. Nick notices her reaction and signals her to take his hand. "Captain, it's over," Fin begins to update their father-like captain, Cragen, on Liv and Lewis in one breath.

Just hearing his name _Captain_ places a calm and serene patch on Olivia's broken heart. She takes hold of Amaro's hand, tightly. He tries his best to smile as their eyes meet, but it falls short. Liv doesn't notice because at the same time, she's closing her eyes shut. The minute she closes her eyes, the voices of her ordeal invades her mind. His voice invades her mind. Most of the words-the statements she remembers him saying, and the rest is still unknown.

_Don't let this go to trial baby. Big beautiful brown eyes. I'll do you cold. You were so sweet when you were knocked out. You don't have the balls. She put me in her mouth. I love hardware stores. What about you, huh, what do you want? Give me a smile, give me a smile, give me a smile..._

"Liv? We're here." Benson opens her eyes to find Fin reaching for her, attempting to help her out of he car. She glances at Fin to be sure she can trust him. _It's Fin_. She gives him her hand and steps out on the concrete ground of the hospital. Amaro comes around the car and allows Liv to lean on his shoulder. Fin closes the back door and announces he's leaving to park the car. Just as Fin pulls off, another squad car comes flying by in rapid speed. The squealing of the tires alarm both Nick and Liv. They turn towards the car and Brian comes rushing out.

Out of breath, Brian respond, "Liv."

**To Be Continued...**


	2. Chapter 2 - The Rape Kit I

**Chapter Two - The Rape Kit I.**

Brian Cassidy gawks at his girlfriend's battered face. Rage is building up in his blood. He imagines himself beating the fuck out of Lewis and torturing him to death. His face turns red as he notices her wrist. _Son of a bitch.. He tied her up like some sex slave. _His eyes stings as he tries to fight the tears that are coming. He remembers the bargain he made with God and tries to be grateful that she's alive. He needs her wrapped tightly in his arms. It's strange, Brian figured, Liv is the strongest woman, _human,_ he knows. Seeing his other half this battered and this broken is a very surreal moment in his life.

He makes his way closer to where Liv and Amaro stands. The E.R entrance isn't very busy for an ugly summer's day. The pavilion they all stand under is blocking the hidden sun. A nurse strolls by pushing an elderly man in a wheel chair. Three paramedics walk out of the sliding door entrance, seemingly already off for the day. Security is redirecting visitors to a viable parking lot, only ambulances are allowed to park in the E.R zone.

Brian doesn't notice anyone other than Olivia. He can't seem to take his eyes off of Liv. The closer he walks towards Liv, the more he feels a heart attack brewing. "You ok?" Brian couldn't think of anything else to ask his girl. When Liv doesn't answer, he grabs her hands.

"No." Liv's voice is sharp as she jerks her hand away from Brian. She notices the puppy dog look on his face. Amaro stares Brian down with sympathy. "Sorry, " Liv replies softly, shaking her head confusingly. She turns her attention to Nick, who turns his attention to Brian, Brian then turns his attention to Liv, and Liv turns her attention back on Brian.

"Look I'm gonna go and get Dr. Price. She knows you're coming, she's a friend of Melinda's. Right i'll just. Leave you two alone. To talk." Amaro feels the couple needs a few moments alone. _Or so he thinks._

"No I'll come with you. I want to get-get this over with now." Benson faces Nick who agrees with her demands.

"I'm going with you." Brian nearly pushes Nick out the way and allows his girlfriend to lean on his shoulder. Liv inhales Brian's scent. Her heart almost melts because of the familiarity. It was her safe haven. Together, the three of them walk inside the hospital.

The first thing Liv notices is the female doctor heading her way. The small group of outpatients awaiting in the dreary orange-colored waiting area suspects Liv to be a VIP patient. Most of the people have been waiting since the morning. Liv is able to get medical attention before she even gets into the room. It was only to avoid the press before the tips on the missing detective's whereabouts went public. "Hello detective Benson, I'm Dr. Maxine Price. I'll be examining you today. Will you come with me?"

Wanting to answer the doctor, but not wanting to speak in a loud pitch, Liv pulls herself away from Brian's grip to answer the doctor at a closer range. "Okay." Liv looks to Amaro then to Brian. They both assure her that they were not going anywhere. Brian even unthinkingly asks the tall and light skinned doctor to sit in the examination room. He wants to hold her hands and comfort her as best as he possibly could. Liv protests, of course, and the doctor suggests that one of the men help fill out some forms. Olivia follows the doctor down a long and vacant hallway. When Liv and Dr. Fields reaches the room, all the way to the end of the hall, the doctor ushers Liv inside.

A hit of fresh pine wax attacks her senses. The fresh aroma reminds her of her first days at the academy. Her eyes focuses on the marbled floors. The floor was so clean. For a second, Liv envies the shining floor. If only there was cleaning wax to wipe away the dirt Lewis left on her body.

"Before we begin, I want to explain to you, how this works." The doctor closes the door tightly as she tries to explain the process of a rape kit to Liv.

Cutting the doctor off, Liv tiredly announces, "yes I know how it works."

Dr. Price agrees with Liv by nodding her head. "Of course you do. I'm sorry."

Liv examines the ordinary patient room. One twin size hospice bed. White sheets, white pillow cases. EKG's, about thirteen cabinets glued to the walls, one hospital gown lying on the counter near the sink, white ceilings, other machines near the EKG that she has no idea of its purpose, and antibacterial gel hung up on every corner of the room. One window that has a beautiful view of the city but ugly colored drapes. A flatscreen built into the wall that may or may not be working. Liv sits on the hospital bed. She groans quietly as her butt mistakenly sits on an unused bedpan. "No. I'm sorry I just want to get this over with as soon as possible." Liv tosses the pan on the floor.

"I understand and as soon as my nurse arrives, I will administer the kit, we need to focus on your other injuries right now..."

Liv smirks at the doctor in a sarcastic way. Before looking out of the window, Liv's sarcasm continues as she answers the doctor, "great." Benson watches as Dr. Price takes out her stethoscope then blows her warm breath on it, "I need you to give me one breath." The doctor places the stethoscope on Liv's chest without noticing anything else. Dr. Price listens as Liv takes an almost unbearable breath. "Ok good," the doctor replies as she takes off the stethoscope.

"I need you to lie down for me okay?"

Liv struggles to lie her body down on the bed.

Dr. Price fluffs the pillow Liv's head rests on before asking, "well aside from the broken nose, the black eye, and the gash on your head, can you tell me what happened to you."

"Kidnapped. I was kidnapped..." Liv begins to remember the smell of Lewis's breath. The smell hits her hard but she tries to block it out of her mind. "He had me for four days." The next scent smashes into her in a much more powerful way. She tries to tame her reaction but her entire body feels as if it's convulsing. The smell of strong and cheap alcohol invades her nostrils. She takes in a painful breath and composes herself. "Uh he kept me drugged, feed me alcohol.."

The doctor interrupts Liv, "do you know what kinds of drugs?"

"No," Liv blinks her eyes repeatedly, "maybe sleeping pills."

Dr. Price begins hooking Liv to an IV. "Four days? You're dehyrated. Did he feed you?"

Benson shakes her head, "water but only small amounts."

"What about the amount of toxins he gave you?" Dr. Price begins patching up Liv's facial cuts and tending to her bruises.

"I don't know." Liv gasps when the doctor patches up her broken nose.

"Im sorry... Do you feel nauseous, dizzy?"

"No."

"The last time he gave you anything was how long?"

"I think yesterday night," Liv flashes back to Lewis forcing alcohol down her throat in the SUV, "yea, yesterday night."

As the doctor places the defibrillation pads onto Benson's chest, she can't help but notice the cuts and burns. "Did he burn you?"

"Yes," Liv answers in a strangled voice.

"What else?"

"I think, maybe, my ribs are fractured, he kicked me." Liv is taken back to her apartment when she's cowering as Lewis beats her senselessly. "He kicked me so many times."

The doctor raises up Liv's shirt and notices the blue bruises on her abdomen. "You're right. Looks like he fracture a few of your ribs. I need to take an X-ray."

Liv watches as the doctor grabs a hospital gown from one of the many cabinets. Benson lifts her head to get a better view of the doctor, "look I feel," Liv thinks of a word to say as pain silently shoots all over her body, "I feel fine, just do the kit first and we'll worry about the rest later."

Dr. Price stops dry as she watches Liv trying to hide her physical pain. "Detective I need you to be honest with me. Ok?" The doctor doesn't wait for Liv's response when she begins pressing her hand gently into Liv's abdomen. "Does it hurt when I press down here?" The doctor takes a mental note as Liv winces in pain.

"Not really," Liv replies. Dr. Price then presses her hand in a less gently way, "what about now?" When Liv cries out, the doctor pages for a nurse to assist her on the X-ray. Much to Liv's dismay, Dr. Price let's her know that she may have internal bleeding. The doctor also adds that the safe kit is not the number one priority anymore. "Keeping you from hemorrhaging internally is the most important thing right now. The rape kit will have to wait. I'm sorry."

* * *

Brian and Amaro are sitting at a round table in the hospital's cafeteria. Unlike the E.R, the cafeteria is packed and crowded. The place is so spacious that it may just be the largest room in the entire medical center. It comes off as a forest-like theme. There are over one hundred real and fake plants decorating the burgundy colored cafeteria. Paintings of mountains, trees, city skylines, beaches and other scenic glory nailed to the walls. A large window sits in the back of the room, possibly added only for visitors and staff to enjoy the view.

The table the guys are sitting at is located in the center of the room. Amaro nibbles on a Cobb salad while Brian stares blindly at his unused Dasani water bottle. "Hey-That bottle of water is getting a little warm, why don't you drink up," Amaro says trying to break the ice.

"No man i'm not hungry." Brian's low pitched tone is hardly heard over the other hundreds of conversation going on the crowded cafeteria.

"Yea but its- Water." Nick tries to figure out Brian's mood. Ever since Liv left to be examined, Brian has not said a word. "Hey Cassidy look I know what you're feeling-".

Brian cuts Nick off, "oh you know what I'm feeling hmm?" He finally looks Amaro in the face, "no you don't," tears form in Brian's eyes. "Back off man."

Amaro only wants to help and he chooses to ignore Cassidy's animosity. "Look Cassidy I'm just trying to help."

"Right but I don't need your help. I don't need to talk. I need to be with Liv. I shouldn't of let you talk me into coming down here." Brian rolls his eyes before standing. "I'm going back up."

Amaro stands to his feet. "Look Liv, she's gonna be a while. I mean you know how this works, no need to be go back in the waiting room just to work up more rage right."

Brian takes in Amaro's advice and mentally agrees. Sitting back down, Brian twists open the bottle of water, "hey it should've been me that helped her out the house, not you." Brian sighs. "You know how hard that was for me to not be the first face she saw? I wasn't there man."

Amaro agrees with Brian and sits back in his chair. "Well you're here now." Nick tries to reassure Brian with a sincere half smile. "And you should eat something ya know. Liv needs you strong."

**To Be Continued...**


	3. Chapter 3 - The Rape Kit II

**Chapter Three - The Rape Kit II.**

Nick and Brian decide to go back up to the waiting area. It's been about forty-five minutes and they had to give their table up to people who were actually eating. They take an elevator where they share cute exchanges with a toddler child. They get off on the second floor, the E.R. Like clockwork, the guys get off to find Dr. Price coming their way.

"Hey how's Liv?" Brian asks anxiously. The doctor stares down at the concern looks on the two men faces. _They must really care about this detective. _Taking a cliche _doctor's_ sigh, Dr. Price answers, "well right now we're preparing to administer the rape kit.."

Brian's skin crawls as he cuts the good doctor off, "preparing?" A baffled look is painted across Cassidy's face, "we thought that's what you guys were doing, you telling me you're just preparing to do that now, come on."

Amaro steps in as he hears the irritation in Brian's tone, "look we need this to go right so it's gonna take some time." Amaro has an epiphany. "We can take her to a hospital close by the city." He gazes at Brian and asks, "what Mercy's good right."

"You did the right thing by bringing her here. Looks like she needed immediate care... More immediate than suspected. We did an MRI to check for internal bleeding. Luckily, there was none but there is still serious trauma to her body. Three of her ribs are broken. She's in a great deal of pain right now. Both arms are fractured. Looks like her cuts and burns are gravely infected. She has torn ligaments-"

Brian steps in, not able to take anymore shattering information about the lady in his life, "can I see her."

Dr. Price stumps on Brian's hope when answering. "No, in a few hours, maybe." Her eyes fall to the floor, not sure what next to say. "You're partner is very strong but-"

Brian cuts her off once more. "My partner?" He smirks. "No she's my girlfriend and no one's stopping me, I'm going to find her."

Dr. Price grabs Brian's arm as he pushes pass her, she hesitates but finally admits, "we had to sedate Detective Benson."

"Why," Amaro asks as Brian becomes speechless.

"Something triggered her or someone. PTSD, it's early on yes but... It's very common. Trauma patients often relive their attack when triggered by something. However? And in her case, I have no idea what triggered detective Benson's flashback."

* * *

It was the sound of the lady screaming in the next room that sent Liv flying back into the most powerless moment of her ordeal.

Minutes before her flashback...

Dr. Price got Liv through the MRI and moved her to another room, one floor up. That room was more warm and comfortable. It was an inpatient room. The walls were painted a rosey pink with flowered wallpaper. Designed like her previous room, but more life-like.

Liv refused to take any pain meds so after they ran more tests, Liv was still in great pain. The pills and alcohol was long gone from her system but just the thought of being in that incoherent state repulsed Benson. She was so ready to get home. To shower. If she could, Liv thought about fleeing. She could run to Oregan. No one would know her. No one would know what happened to her. _A place where no one knows your name_ was sounding more and more peaceful to Olivia. However, she knew she had to stay and deal. The worst part was over, right?

After Dr. Price settled Benson into the new room, the nurse finally arrived to assist in the rape kit. Before they began, the sound of the screaming lady pierced Liv ears.

She knew that scream. She knew that scream very well. _Mrs. Mayer?_ To confirm her suspicions, she saw a redhead pass by running frantically. Liv eyes were becoming more and more swollen but she knew damn well who that was, _Lewis's__ lawyer._

After that very second, Liv was thrown back into the Mayer's home. Flying back into the most powerless moment of her ordeal.

_All she saw was Lewis tearing the older woman to pieces. The screaming was endlessly. Her hands are taped to the chair. Mrs. Mayer is begging for Liv's help. Lewis is grunting and grunting as he rams himself repeatedly into the older woman's womanhood. Her screams are haunting._

Liv was lying in the bed when the screaming started. She was calm and relaxed when the sudden memory popped into her head. Dr. Price tried to pull Liv out of the flashback. The nurse even tried to get through to Benson but she fought them both. Liv was just staring blinkly into space while kicking and screaming. Her eyes were dead. It escalated when Liv started scratching at the back of her wrist, causing it to bleed. Dr. Price tried to grab Liv's hands. Liv punched the doctor once in her left temple, causing her to fall over. The nurse paged for help.

The orderlies in Mrs. Mayer's room came rushing into Liv's room. Dr. Price was helped off the floor and ordered the nurse to grab the Thorazine out of the lock cabinet. The cabinet was clear and full of medicine and syringes. The nurse grabbed the drug and syringe quickly. With the orderlies holding Liv down, Dr. Price injected Benson with the Thorazine filled syringe. A few seconds followed and Detective Benson's fight was over, yet her eyes remained wide open.

The doctor ordered the nurse to prepare Liv for the rape examination while she walked out of the room to find Amaro and Brian.

* * *

Dr. Price makes her way to the elevator where she gets off on the second floor. She's alone on the elevator and tries to cope with the look in the detective's eyes. It was as if the detective had seen what it was like to live in _actual_ hell. There was nothing she could do to snap Olivia out of it, other than, medicate her.

Dr. Price has seen horrific things in her years as a doctor but this is by far the worst. She sighs as she remembers her conversations with Melinda. Her college friend has always traded the most bizarre stories and Dr. Maxine Price believed Melinda fabricated some parts. Being branded with cigarettes and repeatedly beaten in such an inhumane way? No sane person could ever fabricate those things. She's not naive. She knows that their is evil in this world. However, for a woman who seldomly leaves Long Island, Liv's ordeal is a little too much...

The elevator lands, she steps out, and makes a beeline for the two men who brought in the broken detective.

"Hey how's Liv?" Brian asks anxiously. The doctor stares down at the concern looks on the two men faces. _They must really care about this detective. _Taking a cliche _doctor's_ sigh, Dr. Price answers, "well right now we're preparing to administer the rape kit.."

Brian's skin crawls as he cuts the good doctor off, "preparing?" A baffled look is painted across Cassidy's face, "we thought that's what you guys were doing, you telling me you're just preparing to do that now, come on."

Amaro steps in as he hears the irritation in Brian's tone, "look we need this to go right so it's gonna take some time." Amaro has an epiphany. "We can take her to a hospital close by the city." He gazes at Brian and asks, "what Mercy's good right."

"You did the right thing by bringing her here. Looks like she needed immediate care... More immediate than suspected. We did an MRI to check for internal bleeding. Luckily, there was none but there is still serious trauma to her body. Three of her ribs are broken. She's in a great deal of pain right now. Both arms are fractured. Looks like her cuts and burns are gravely infected. She has torn ligaments-"

Brian steps in, not able to take anymore shattering information about the lady in his life, "can I see her."

Dr. Price stumps on Brian's hope when answering. "No, in a few hours, maybe." Her eyes fall to the floor, not sure what next to say. "You're partner is very strong but-"

Brian cuts her off once more. "My partner?" He smirks. "No she's my girlfriend and no one's stopping me, I'm going to find her."

Dr. Price grabs Brian's arm as he pushes pass her, she hesitates but finally admits, "we had to sedate Detective Benson."

"Why," Amaro asks as Brian becomes speechless.

"Something triggered her or someone. PTSD, it's early on yes but... It's very common. Trauma patients often relive their attack when triggered by something. However? And in her case, I have no idea what triggered detective Benson's flashback."

Amaro sighs, he knew this would not be easy. "When can we see her, I mean, how long are you planning on keeping her here. We need to take her home-her statement-"

Dr. Price abruptly interrupts, "and you'll get it but your first priority should be detective Benson's health."

Amaro looks to Brian, who is still speechless, and tries to calm down from the anger that's boiling inside. Nick reminds himself that he's letting his personal feelings get in the way. He knows that everything the doctor's doing is for the good of Olivia. "You're right. You're right. Look this... This is my partner and.." He wipes his face with one hand, exhausted, "I need to call my captain, give him an update, excuse me."

As Amaro walks off, Dr. Price gives Brian a firm look, the _I'll keep you informed _speech, and walks off. Brian knees go weak. He feels the emotions creeping in. He strolls pass Amaro and makes a beeline for the nearest male restroom. Inside the restroom, Brian finds himself alone. After he peeks under the two stalls, he uses the door jam to lock himself inside. He heads inside one of the stalls and briefly pukes into the toilet.

After he finishes, he falls to his knees. He's lost in thought. _Things happen so fast. One minute we're going at it and the next..._ Brian places his hands in his head. Closing his eyes, he remembers Liv's battered face. His tears come falling like rain. After a few seconds, Brian begins beating the wall with his elbow. He needs this. He needs to get it all out in order to truly be there for Olivia.

* * *

Dr. Price returns to Liv's room where the nurse helps her into her hospital gown. Although she's sedated, Liv can still control what's happening. She looks up to find Dr. Price closing the door behind her, "lets get this over with," Liv says, still in a blank stare.

**To Be Continued...**


	4. Chapter 4 - The Rape Kit III

**Chapter Four - The Rape Kit III.**

Thanks to the Thorazine, the next few hours of Benson's life will forever be remembered in a blur. Olivia stands naked with both feet resting on a long white sheet of paper. She allows the evidence between her legs to fall on the paper, willingly. Some of her pubic hair falls onto the sheet. Dried blood falls on the sheet as well. Dirt and other debris fall onto the sheet. The sheet is used to collect evidence from both Liv and her attacker.

As Dr. Price collects swabs from inside of Liv's mouth, Liv begins to drift off. Her body is all bruised. It looks as if someone painted her blue and red. There are burn marks on her breasts, neck, back, and shoulders. Deep cuts decorate her entire backside. Lewis's handprints are still around her waist, like a tattoo. The doctor begins to collect evidence from Liv's fingernails with a wooden scraper. Liv just stands there. The doctor notices her calmness throughout this entire exam.

Is Liv this calm because of the medicine? Is she this relaxed because she's in shock? Or is she just completely numb?

Dr. Price helps Benson in keeping her balance by letting her lean on her shoulder. The doctor is asking the sedated detective about the events of her ordeal. The young nurse is bagging Benson's clothing and notices something amiss. Looking at Liv confusingly, the nurse asks, "where's your underwear?" Dr. Price feels Liv's body sway. Liv looks in the nurse's direction and flatly answers,"I don't know."

"Were you wearing any underwear at the time of your ordeal?" Dr. Price ways in.

"Yes," Liv let's out a tiring sigh and answers in a matter of fact tone, "but he shove them in my mouth."

"Hit the lights," the doctor orders right before the nurse grabs the the ultraviolet light. Dr. Price has always used this nurse in sexual assault exams so the procedure was nothing new to either women. The nurse turns off the light, hands the ultraviolet light to Dr. Price, and grabs the microscope slides that's about four inches, clear, and squared. The nurse places the slides on the counter while she hands the doctor more swabs.

Benson's body is shown swarming with fluids glued to her body. Her entire face is streaking with fluids. When they swab her lips, Benson's mind shows snapshots of Lewis forcing his semen into her mouth. When they swab her chest, lips, and breasts, Liv remembers his voice, _fuck I'm gonna cum, you take it baby, take it all. _When they swab her lower backside, Liv remembers the feeling of having Lewis's erect penis pressed against her buttocks.

"Your last menstrual cycle, detective?" The doctor places the swabs in clear slides.

Liv tries to focus. "Last month, around this time."

"Did he penetrate you vaginally, anally, and or orally?" Dr. Price asks Liv.

"He tried, anally, but no. There was no penetration." Liv closes her eyes as they finish collecting the evidence of fluids on her body. In a moment, her memory takes her to the time in her apartment when Lewis's flaccid penis touched her lips.

"Ok." Dr. Price helps Liv to the bed. "You said he drugged you. There's still a chance penetration actually happened so we'll begin the pelvic exam."

"He bit me." Liv remembers as she lies down on the bed.

The nurse grabs the hospital gown, hands it to Liv, and asks, "do you need help getting into the gown?"

Liv nods her head, "no," rises up a little, and places the gown on her body. Oddly, she becomes cold. Her entire body shivers.

"We're almost through the worst of it detective Benson. Now tell me? What else do you remember about your attack?" Dr. Price pulls up a chair at the end of the bed and squats down. She advises the nurse to grab more supplies from the kit. Liv procedurally slides her legs up, opens them, and lifts her head. Dr. Price prepares her for the discomfort this part of the examination brings. Liv ignores her and silently prays for this entire nightmare to be over. She's always heard victims complain about this examination. They would say how this was like being raped all over again. _They were so right._

She feels her pubic hair being pulled. She only winces first. After more pubic hair is pulled, she begins pulling her hair out with her left hand, groaning loudly, and grabbing the sheets on the bed in a very tight grip with her right hand. The nurse notices Liv's despair and grabs a hold of her hands. "It's ok. It's almost over, just squeeze my hand."

* * *

Amaro walks the entire second floor searching for Brian. He gets to the elevator and hits the third floor button. Amaro thinks that Brian may have gone searching for Liv on another floor. When the elevator door opens, Amaro literally bumps into Fin who has tons of fast food in hand. The food falls to the ground but it's all wrapped up causing no mess. The two men pick up the wax papered burgers and hot dogs.

"This is where you been?" Amaro asks the dimpled face detective.

"Thought we could use a bit to eat. Captain says to stay put until Liv's exam is over. That might take a while."

"Well you should have called me. Cassidy and me already ate in the cafeteria." Amaro says. Fin begins walking into the waiting area and Nick follows.

"Hospital food yea right. That shit taste like ass. I'll be fine with this right here." Fin takes a seat near the window where there are less visitors.

"Yea sure. A future filled with heart disease and diabetes." Amaro sits next to Fin.

"I'll take my chances." Fin looks around before unwrapping his burger. "Where's Cassidy?"

"Cassidy? He's.. He's gone."

Fin is puzzled. "Gone where? He left?"

"I dont know. Maybe he went to blow off some steam."

Fin takes a bite of his burger, "can't blame the guy." Chewing, Fin waits until he swallows the food to ask, "how's Liv?"

Amaro shrugs. "I mean I don't know Fin, you saw her. The doctor says they had to delay the rape kit." He takes a deep breath and looks into Fin's eyes. "Turns out she had to be sedated... He really did her in Fin, I mean, there's no coming back from this."

Fin loses his appetite as he takes in Amaro's words. Putting his food to the side, Fin eyes begin to water. "You told captain?"

Just as Amaro attempts to answer Fin's question, Brian walks in, seemingly disheveled. The detectives notices the bags under Brian's red colored eyes. He grabs the seat adjacent to Fin. Fin offers him some food but Brian turns him down. Amaro notices the bruises forming on Brian's elbow but makes no comments. He understands.

Despite the hundreds of other conversation going on in the waiting area, the three men sit in their own quietness for all of fifteen minutes. Fin pretends to be concentrating on passing level seventy of candy crush on his phone. Amaro pretends to be entertained by the young couple sitting near that's holding the loudest conversation. Brian's eyes follow every medical personnel's movement that passes the area. They all seem preoccupied by something, as if they are forcing themselves to not think about what Liv has been through or is going through. The truth? Nothing they're doing can take their minds away from the darkness. The sadness. The heartbreaking tribulations that their beautiful Olivia went through and is still going through.

Dr. Price walks into the waiting room. Amaro and Cassidy stand to their feet, Fin follows. He introduces himself to the doctor who seems to already know him. "I'm detective Fin Tutola." The doctor smirks, she informs him how she knows him. "Your son Ken and my boy are really good friends, not in that way but your son talks about you great deal. Nice to meet you."

Fin agrees. "You too. Small world, right."

Cassidy gets agitated and demands to know about Liv. Dr. Price clears her throat and turns her attention to Amaro.

"She's fine. Physically anyway. We're done with the rape kit. I'll send it off asap." Dr. Price announces.

"Can I take her home?" Brian asks.

"Well I want to keep her over night to monitor her concussion. You'll be able to take her home first thing in the morning."

"Well can I see her now?" Brian asks before the doctor walks off.

"Of course. Follow me." Brian follows the doctor out of the waiting area.

Fin and Amaro decide to wait until Brian returns. Although they want to see Liv, they are agreeing to respect her privacy. Amaro calls the captain with the update. Fin phones Amanda with the update.

* * *

Brian enters Olivia's room where he finds her standing by the window, still wearing the hospital gown. She's wearing a doctor's coat to cover her backside. Liv glares at the view of Long Island as the nurse picks up the left over mess. She doesn't see Brian standing in the door way at first.

"Oh hi. I'll just get out of your way." The nurse breaks the ice. Liv looks over to find Cassidy at the door. She turns her head, embarrassed. The nurse heads out and Brian approaches Benson. He gets close enough where they are inches apart. She never once look his way. Her eyes are glued in any direction other than Brian's.

Brian notices Liv's reluctance to face him. "Liv?" He waits for a reaction from Liv but she's stubborn. "Liv come on... Liv please. Look at me.." Benson has tears forming into her eyes. She carefully turns her head to face Brian. Her arm is in a slang and the gash on her forehead is patched. Her beautiful brown eyes had never seem so haunting. What Brian notices that really hurts him is her face. Her beautiful face is all bruised and battered. The face he's fell in love with had been molded into a monstrous sculpture. Yet, her beauty still remained.

_It's all over. _Liv refuses to cry. "I should of grabbed my gun. I'm-I'm sorry, I didn't do enough, I was... I was powerless." Liv's voice is very soft and shaken. She appears to be in shock as well.

Brian rolls his eyes. Anger is flowing through his blood. He has to hold it together for her sake. With a half smile, Brian replies. "You kidding me? You were powerless? Did you see how bad you kick that guys ass? You did everything right Liv. You know that come on."

"There was so many times. So many times I could have run." Liv voice slurs. She sways on her feet, her skin is going pale. Brian notices Liv's state of shock. His eyes catches the sweat forming on her forehead. He tries to grab her but reminds himself of her soreness, her hypervigilance. He feels he needs to do something to keep her balance straight. _She's gonna- _In a surprising moment, Liv collapses in Brian's arms. He feels her body trembling but she doesn't jerk away from his grip. Brian holds on to her tightly. "It's ok. I got you Liv. I got you."

**To Be Continued...**


	5. Chapter 5 - The Long Road To Recovery

**Chapter Five - The Long Road To Recovery **

He held her in his arms for what seemed like forever. They finally pulled apart when the nurse returned with hospital sweats and a pair of crocs. The clothes she went there with was now evidence and she couldn't leave the hospital in only a gown. Dr. Price tried to get Liv a room with a shower but failed. Liv was agitated but Brian was able to distract her with more stories of his time undercover. Brian was good at talking. At times it use to annoy Liv but at that point _in that time_, hearing his voice helped in reminding her that she was alive.

The screaming of Mrs. Mayer returned but the _actual_ woman had long gone from that hospital by then.

Liv experienced more flashbacks throughout the rest of that evening. She was traumatized and given all she been through, it was normal for her to have the reaction she had. Hearing voices of her attacker, extreme hypervigilance, reliving parts of the ordeal, and even disassociation. The doctor, with Brian's blessing, gave her something to help her sleep. Amaro and Fin left without seeing Liv. They decided to let her rest. Brian stayed by her side the entire night.

He must have gotten forty-five minutes of sleep. He was up all night keeping a watchful eye over Liv. She slept through the night, she slept like a baby. Around sunrise, Brian's exhaustion got the best of him and he fell asleep. At that point, Liv was waking up. They left the hospital as soon as possible. They took a cab all the way back to Brian's apartment. On the ride there, they sat in silence. The road to recovery had begun and the silence screamed so loud.

* * *

They arrive at Brian's apartment, he tries to pick up loose clothing hanging around. Brian's apartment is a lot smaller than Liv's apartment. A quaint little bachelor pad with a conjoined living room and kitchen.

A black and leather two seated sofa sits next to the smokey gray and leather recliner. Brian's mom is often dropping by to redecorate her wife-less son's apartment. His apartment may be small and quaint but it's also laid out. Salt and pepper colored carpet. Grey walls. A glass end table that's used as a hang out place for his sports magazines and ugly skull head.

Brian's into music. He has a stereo system that is noticed when you gaze up at the speakers built into each corner of the walls. Where was the stereo itself? The stereo is inside of his door-less bedroom.

Four steps separated the sole bedroom that takes up almost the entire apartment. Silk black sheets, a tall night lamp, a 38-inch flat screen built into the wall, two dressers (one wide, the other tall), and a collection of DVD's sitting on the taller dresser. The one window inside the apartment is in the bedroom but Brian has a tall, cherry wood colored, chest blocking any view. The bathroom door is the only other door inside the apartment. It sits in the middle of the kitchen and living room.

Liv, who is now wearing the hospital's sweats with her, heads straights for his bathroom. Brian follows behind her shortly after. "Hey. Let me draw your water. You go sit down. Let me do everything."

Liv is grateful to have Brian but now more than ever, she wants only to be alone. "It's ok Bri-I? I just wanna take a quick shower, get down to the station. Give my statement." She nods her head.

Brian always admired and resented Olivia's inability to accept help. Perhaps that's what immediately attracted him to the independent woman. "I'm sure they're not expecting you Liv. Maybe you should wait."

Liv voice comes out nonchalant but Brian senses her defense when she says, "please don't tell me what I should do." She realizes her attitude when Brian's stare breaks. "Sorry," she sighs.

"It's ok. Whatever you want to do, we'll do. You lead I follow right?" Brian says, reminding Liv of their shared motto.

The look on Brian's face alarms Liv. He's clueless. He wants to be the man he vowed to be after their last disagreement. A man who's not against being effectionate. A man who's not scared shitless of showing his emotions. He made that vow before he ever knew anything about her kidnapping. That only meant that he had to give one million instead of one hundred. That means he has to bring his A game. He has to put his game face on.

_Only_. His game face could defeat the forlorn face he wears in this moment. He's trying to perk up but he can't bring himself to even fake happiness. He's afraid that Liv may notice but she doesn't. No, Liv is too busy trying to invent a tough-girl facade to notice Brian's demeanor. He, however, notices Liv's demeanor. At the hospital, Brian witnessed her fighting off flashbacks, occasionally puking, and screaming so loudly that his ears still rings. Not once did Brian see Liv express any voluntary signs of fragility.

"I'll clean up a bit. Make some breakfast..." As Brian talks, Liv walks closer and closer to the bathroom door. "Get it cozy enough, right, how you like it.. We'll go. We'll go to the station when you're done. We'll go wherever you wanna go Liv."

"Uh." Liv blinks her eyes. A look of apprehension comes across her face. She allows her mind to think of absolutely nothing. "We'll go after I'm done."

"Ok," Brian answers. He wants nothing more than to brush her hair out of her face. "Liv?" Brian calls out her name softly when he notices her nose wrinkling.

"Yea?"

"You don't have to be anything with me." Brian whispers, hoping to reach his girlfriend. When he noticed her nose wrinkle, he realized what's happening. She wants to be vulnerable but she feels she needs to keep up whatever facade's she's forming. He just wants her to give it all to him. Her weakness, her humiliation, her pain, and her fear. Brian wants to take it all.

"Can you grab me one of your shirts and a pair of jeans?" Liv's face scrunches and Brian realizes that she's no longer able to hide her fragility. She wipes the hair out of her face for the first time in forever and stares Brian in his eyes. "He got to me Bri." Her tears flow from her eyes. Her shoulders shake.

Brian attempts to console Liv but as he grabs for her, she backs away. "What do you mean by that?" Brian watches Liv open the bathroom door. He has no choice other than to give her what she wants. And what she wants is to be left alone.

She enters the bathroom and closes the door behind her. The bathroom was surprisingly spacious. There is room enough for a medicine cabinet hidden behind a mirror, a wide vanity that extends inches away from the door to the toilet, and a see through shower stall that fits about three people at once.

Brian begins picking up the mess of clothing and day old pizza crumbs in his living room.

Liv takes small steps towards the shower.

Brian heads to his bedroom where he throws all the loose clothing into the chest.

Liv slides back the shower door and turns on the water. She becomes paralyzed. Her eyes glazes as she stares at the water pouring down.

Brian makes up his bed and fluffs the pillows. When he's done, his eyes aimlessly searches for any kind of mess to pick up. He wants his entire place both clean and secure.

Hurriedly, Liv removes her clothing, ignoring her body pain. She kicks the hospital's crocs off her feet and steps into the shower.

Brian's wiping down all the furniture in the apartment with Windex.

Liv allows the steaming hot water to fall onto her injured body. She grabs Brian's safeguard soap and begins slowly scrubbing her lips.

Brian grabs one of the scented candles sitting on his dresser that Liv gave him for his birthday. He places it on the end table in the living room, heads for the spotless yet empty kitchen, lights the stove, and uses that fire to light the candle. He places the now lit candle back on the end table.

Liv continues to scrub her lips in a slow matter. She closes her eyes and remembers how Lewis shoved his semen down her throat. Her eyes pops open and she begins scrubbing her lips roughly.

Brian is satisfied at the coziness of his apartment. He heads to the kitchen, opens his empty fridge, grabs the only item inside (eggs), and finds a pot in the cabinets.

Liv opens her mouth as the water hits her tongue. Seconds later, she begins scrubbing her entire body. She wants to scrub until she bleeds. She wants to bleach her entire body. The soap helps her body's odor, but bleach may help in getting rid of anything Lewis. As she scrubs everywhere, she tries to ignore her ache. The pain is there. The pain is real but the pain is not more powerful than the dirtiness.

Brian finishes the eggs. He puts it on a plate and makes his way back to the living room.

Defeated by her own body, Liv falls to the floor. She tries to block the memories that are becoming more and more clear as time passes. The fact that she was in that SUV and it flipped over? The fact that she spit in his face on many occasions? The fact that she saved that woman and her kid... _Wait? That never happened. _Liv takes a small breath and try to focus on reality. Her memories were mixing in with unreal events. _There was no woman or child. Right?_

For the sake of her sanity, Liv ignores her own thoughts and indulges in the hot water pouring down on her body. She didn't even realize it but tears are bursting from her eyes. She's crying. She can't control the tears. _It's over. It's really over._ She needs to let it out. She needs to cry out loud. _And?_ She does...

Brian sits on the other side of the bathroom door. His heart is breaking as he listens to her cry. He's dying. He wants so badly to help her but how? How can he fix Liv? What could he do to turn back the clock. To make her forget this entire thing. _There ain't nothing I can do._

**To Be Continued... **


	6. It's Not Lying If You Don't Remember

**Chapter Six - It's Not Lying If You Don't Remember**

* * *

_"In situations as such, when is it ok to talk about the humiliation we're put through?"_** -SVUFictionalWriter**

* * *

She struggles to say the words out loud. _They have to know everything, every detail_. She gives them what she remembers. She gives them what she knows. The things that she can't rememeber or the things doesn't know? She makes it up. Olivia isn't telling any lies. It's not lying if you don't remember.

"He managed to get into a standing position and lunged at me. I used the metal frame post to subdue him."

"Instead of shooting him at point blank range?"

"I made a judgement call."

Olivia thanks the nice IAB detective as the lady sails out of Captain Cragen's office. Cragen notices the lost in his, common law, daughter's eyes. This didn't have to happen, Cragen thinks. Liv feels the pitiful look Cragen has on his face. How is she facing him after knowing _they know?_ How is she facing any of them?

Liv feels the tension when she and Cragen are left alone in his office. She feels his presence, hungry for answers. She knows the questions are about her sanity. She doesn't have the strenght to talk about her sanity right now. Evading the questions she knows Cragen's about to asks, Liv focuses her cares on Mrs. Mayer. She tries to build up the facade she's creating. _I'm fine. I wasn't raped. I survived a viscious attack but the others got it worst. Much worst_. Her captain informs her that Mrs. Mayer is fine, after she voices her concerns for the older woman. In a puzzling moment, Liv finds herself thinking aloud. "Where am I gonna go?"

Cragen tells Liv that her place is a crime scene and they've set her up in a hotel. He lets her know that she's on paid leave, which Liv knows she needs. Brian enters, as if on que. He's coming from parking the car in a more discrete location. When they arrived, about an hour or so ago, Liv and Brian saw the many, many news vans and reporters camped out in the entrance way.

"I wanna get Liv out here..." Brian follows Liv out of Cragen's office and into the squad room. As the two lovers walk by, eyes are glued on Detective Benson. Her heart pounds. This is humiliating. She wishes to hide somewhere. She longs to find a rock and crawl underneath that rock. It was as if they all wanted to spew out words of sympathy or encouragement but were all too blinded by the surreality of it all.

_Fin._ Out of everyone, Fin is probably the most speechless. He knows that everything has already happened. He knows that it's over. Still, Fin is trying to wrestle with the past. He desires to go back in time and stop Lewis from getting to Liv. He believes, in some way, he still can. He feels as if he can still fix the situation. As Liv passes by him, he wants to yell, _Liv don't take two days_, and, _just come with me and Amanda_ _for drinks instead. _What was the point? There was no way of erasing or going back in time. The damage had been done. Fin has to realize that while he and Amanda were out drinking, while he got home and slept.. Lewis had her. Lewis made Liv his victim. His eyes closes.

_Amanda_. She's worried. Her entire being is worrisome. She's always admired Olivia's perseverance. Even the strongest soul can be broken. Amanda glares in shock at the bruises. A face once so olive and clear was now covered in bruises. Hair that was once perfectly breathtaking is now oily and unkept. Amanda notices Liv's clothing. She was not use of seeing Benson this way. It shocks Amanda to her core. Unlike the others, Amanda has no idea what exactly happened to Liv at the hands of Lewis. She knows Lewis, however, and his capabilities. _Should I talk to her, I mean, I'm the only one who hasn't. Maybe I should.. Maybe not._ She doesn't need to ask questions or read Liv's rape kit report. _Son of a bitch had her for four days. How do you come back from that... She's already been assaulted once. How much more can the girl take?_

_Nick._ He wonders. He wonders, _she'll be ok, I mean.. She has to come back. She just need a few days.. She'll be back._ Nick has serious doubts. He doesn't need to look at her, after all, he was the one who found her. In yet, Nick feels he needs to speak. He needs to say something encouraging to make certain of her return. He can't lose his partner. Never in his life did Nick Amaro think he'd be this invested in someone other than family. Then again, Liv is his family too. There's an unspoken love between partners. Nicks eyes wonders off Liv and onto the floor. Guilt begins to creep in..

_Munch_. Words are useless. He knows Liv is tough. He's been an uncle to her for over fourteen years. And yet? Munch has no idea what words he could utter to make this better. Liv's always been resilient. She's been stabbed, cut, taken hostage, stalked, assaulted, poisoned, framed for murder, etc. Munch has been here to witness all of her misfortunes. She's always prevailed. This time, Munch thinks, will be an uphill battle. Out of everything she's been through, Munch has never seen her so _farklempt_. He can't read her. Even as he stares her down, he can't seem to read her. As she and Brian walk out of sight, Munch tries to think of words he should have said. Nothing. Words are useless.

**To Be Continued...**


	7. Chapter 7 - Numb

**Chapter Seven - Numb**

_Two days._

Two days had passed since Olivia last saw William Lewis. Two days had passed since Olivia lost pieces of her life. Two days since Olivia last spoken to anyone, even Brian. Two days since Olivia has cut off almost all of her hair. Two days since she's eaten, two days since she's slept, and two days since she's been aware. _Two days._

Brian walks inside of his apartment to find Liv in the same spot she's been in for two days. She's lying in his bed, wearing his sweats and socks. She stares back at the tv, which is on, but is the television is watching her instead. In his hands, Brian has a suitcase of her clothing and other personal items. He didn't want to leave her side but knew she needed her things. He's taken time off just to be with her. She hasn't said a word to him since the day they returned from giving her statement. It was as if she shut down. It was as if she had taken a vow of silence.

This was the first time Brian has left her side in those two days. He was only gone for a half of an hour. Brian went into Liv's place, grabbed a few things, and hurried back. Before he left, he told Liv where he was going. Liv was a million miles away, mentally. Brian knew she would probably not notice his absence, just like, now, she doesn't notice his presence.

"Hey Liv? I'm back... I was thinking maybe I cook your favorite tonight? Clam sauce right?" Brian places the suitcase on the side of the bed. He glances up at the television and chuckles, "Tony Goldwyn's playing the president, come on?" Brian gently sits on his bed, next to Liv, "Tony was the guy in ghost and now he's the president." Brian looks over his shoulders at Liv's sullen face. What can he do? She hasn't said anything to him. He vowed to be there for her but he has worries. What if she never speaks again? How much was Brian really taking in here?

"Liv look. Ya gotta talk to me. Ya gotta talk.. To someone. I gotta say, you're scaring me here Liv.. You're not eating, you don't sleep. You don't do anything except take showers, all day right." Brian's words travels into Liv's ears. He doesn't feel as if he's getting through, _is she even listening_..

"Liv?" Brian feels his tears coming. To fight his tears, Brian takes in a deep breath. "I can't just hang around and watch... The way you are right now? This isn't you." He stands to his feet as a tear rolls from his eye. "Liv? Look. Talk to me..." Brian comes to a halt when he hears her sobs. "Hey it's ok, it's ok." He climbs back into the bed expecting to lie next to her, but Liv sits up.

"Stop Brian just stop talking." Liv stands to her feet. She grabs some clothing from her suitcase and heads to the bathroom.

Brian hears Liv closing the bathroom door. _Another shower._ He lies on the bed and sighs as he hears the water running, feeling completely hopeless.

After taking that shower, Liv managed to fall asleep. It was the sleep deprivation that sent her into dreamland. A body can only take so many hours without sleep.

Brian is grateful that she's finally asleep. He decides to start on dinner. Inside his kitchen, he gathers all the right spices and all the right pots. He frowns as he remembers to call his ma. _Another night I gotta lie to her and skip out dinner_. Liv needs her privacy. Brian knows how pushy his mother is and inviting her over would not be in Liv's favor.

Brian's becoming Liv's personal assistant. Every time her friends call, Brian is there to keep them away. _Oh you know Liv. She's a fighter, she just needs a little R&R.. I'll get her to call you back ASAP_. Brian has that lie memorized. They want to know how she's holding up but Brian can't tell them the absolute truth. He considers telling her friends _how she really is_ in hopes of a mini intervention. Maybe telling her friends can do more good than harm. Still, Brian doesn't want to take that chance. Trust and patience is all Brian feels Olivia needs fright now.

As he chops up the vegetables from his fridge, Brian hears Liv waking up. Before he puts down the knife to greet her, Liv escapes inside the bathroom. Brian picks the knife back up and continues to chop up the vegetables. He tries to think of ways to break down Liv's wall. Not being able to reach her is cutting him like the knife he holds in his hand. Pushing him away would be more helpful to Brian than what's she's doing now. She's not pushing him away. She's not letting him in at all.

Inside the bathroom, Liv sits on the toilet. Nothing is going through her mind. She's in a blank state. Her body is finally getting the worst of the injuries. They gave her medicine to help but she doesn't take a single pill. They also gave her sleeping meds but, again, she doesn't take a single pill. The bruises on her face are even more horrible than before.

It still burns when she urinates. Flushing the toilet, Liv involuntarily pukes. She wipes her mouth and heads back to the bedroom. Pulling the covers back, she hears Brian yell, "Liv I was wondering what we could have for dessert." She gets into the bed, pulls the cover over her head, and closes her eyes. Brian continues to converse. "Hey how does chocolate pretzels sound?" Brian waits about ten seconds to continue cooking. He knows that she will not answer his question. _Day two, still numb, still unreachable._

There is so much emptiness inside of Olivia. She clutches to the covers tightly as she slips back into her daze. Lewis had not raped her and she tries to hold on to that but it wasn't helping. He got inside of her head. He's still inside of her head. Her will is broken. He raped her _mind_. The violation Lewis brought upon Olivia is now molding the strong woman into a shell.

She feels nothing. She's alive but wishes she was dead. Her numbness is evident. Her humiliation is profound. She tries to close her eyes, hoping to sleep her pain away. Every time she blinks her eyes, she catches glimpse of Lewis's face.

The sound of her phone ringing causes her to sit up. She wasn't going to answer at first. So many people have already been calling but she's always screening their calls. This time, however, she picks up her cell and is shocked to see who's calling.

Taking a deep breath, Liv answers. "El?

**To Be Continued...**


	8. Chapter 8 - Incredible Loss

**Chapter Eight - Incredible Loss**

"Actually.. It's Kathy."

"Kathy." Liv shakes her head, feeling both puzzled and alarmed.

"I heard on the news about your kidnapping. How are you."

Agitated and stunned, Liv replies. "What's going on Kathy?" Liv's words come out unknowingly cut and dry. She was not at all concern with any pleasantries. She answered her cell because she thought the call was from Elliot. She wants to hang up but decides to anxiously wait it out.

Kathy Stabler knows that calling Liv out of blue seems is a very dicey move. Still, Kathy knows how important Benson was to Elliot and since he's unavailable, Kathy wants to step up. Kathy knows very well that Elliot and Liv parted ways on painfully unspoken terms. Kathy feels, now more than ever, that Liv needs to either hear _from_ Elliot or hear _about_ Elliot. Because hearing from him was no longer in the cards, Kathy decided to make that uncomfortable call. "You were hoping I was Elliot weren't you?"

Liv hesitates then takes in a deep breath, "Yes."

"I don't know why I'm calling. I guess, I just wanted to?" Kathy senses that Liv can hear the nervousness in her voice.

"Thank you for calling." Liv clears her throat.

"You've been his partner for as long as he and I have been.." Kathy holds her thought.

There is an awkward silence that last more than ten seconds. Liv breaks the ice. "Where is he?"

When Kathy pauses, Liv senses something's wrong. "Elliot and I are divorced Liv. We ended our marriage Valentine's Day, this year." Kathy lets out a pitiful chuckle, "The kids are all grown up. Dickie's at NYU but he never really comes home anymore. Maureen's pregnant with her second child. She and her husband are partners at a law firm in Chicago. Elizabeth's in Europe. She's a brilliant artist. She sends me one of her paintings every time she hosts a galleria. I'm still living in Queens with Eli and uh?" Kathy waits seconds before continuing, "Elliot moved to L.A."

"Oh?" Liv is speechless.

"Look I got your number from your captain last week and I just wanted to? I don't know. I'm glad you're alive Liv... I don't think he could handle another loss."

"Another loss?" Benson's heart races. She can hear Kathy's sobs through the phone.

"Kathleen." Kathy sniffs her nose.

"I didn't know I. I'm sorry Kathy. I am so sorry."

"So am I."

* * *

The conversation with Kathy left Olivia shaken. It was bittersweet. While the conversation left her no longer numb, it also brought back her feelings. She feels so badly for Kathy and her old partner but it explains a lot of things that puzzled her mind. _All this time. All this time..._

She gets out of bed and the smell of exotic spices hits her nose. _Brian's cooking again. _Brian sits on his sofa, sipping beer, while staring at the two plates of food on the end table. He looks up and is surprised to see Liv sitting next to him. Brian smiles, glad to see his girlfriend up and out of the bed. He studies her face. She's unreadable.

"Hey... Thought you might get up when you smelled my ma's spices."

"Is your mother coming over?"

"No. I keep her recipes when I feel like eating a home cook meal."

"Oh." Liv pauses when she captures the sadness in Brian's eyes. Secretly, Liv envied Brian's closeness with his mother. She yearned for maternal love her entire life.

"You hungry. There's your plate." Brian chuckles as he takes a spoonful of clam sauce covered noodles. "My word for it? It's pretty damn good if I say so myself."

Liv is sick to her stomach. Her appetite is foreign. "Maybe later."

"Good to see you out of bed. Hey who was that calling you... Heard your phone ring so."

Her eyes begin to tear up and her voice comes out small. "That was Kathy."

"Who Stabler's wife?"

"Yea."

"Oh you're taking calls now." Brian's voice comes out a tad hostile. He glares at Liv and realizes that comment was too soon. "Sorry."

Liv brushes it off. "Elliot and Kathy's daughter, Kathleen? She was in a car accident."

"She ok?" He nibbles on his food, seemingly not moved by this information.

Liv shakes her head. "Turns out this happened on New Years Eve. Of this year." Liv shakes her head. "It's almost a brand new year. No one told me this. But she's in a coma-but they had to move her to L.A. There's a facility there that may help her? Um... wake up. Elliot's with her. "

"Oh sorry to hear that." Brian shows no emotions. Liv suspects that this wasn't Brian's first time learning this information.

"Wait a minute. You already knew." She rolls her eyes, annoyed.

"Yea." Brian says sharply.

"Wow. Okay. Thanks Brian." She gets up. "Thanks for telling me."

"I sense some hostility Liv."

"Well you could have told me."

"I just found out myself. Capt called Kathy when he couldn't get a hold of Stabler. He wanted him to know about you. Capt thought Stabler should be on board. I gotta tell ya Liv for a while there? We didn't know if Lewis had raped you or kill you or both." Brian drops his fork, reminding himself of the fresh wounds Lewis placed upon Liv. He watches as her face goes white. Her attitude becomes perturbed. "I should just shut up." Cassidy lets out a sigh.

"He didn't rape me Brian." Liv is about to storm off when Brian hops up and grabs her arm. In an intense moment, Liv is thrown back into her time as Lewis's captive.

_"No no no.. Let me see your beautiful face." Lewis grabs her chin roughly. He forces her to look into the camera, "Hi," he says. She takes a small and short breath before looking Lewis in the eyes. He lets her chin go. Smiling, Lewis asks, "now I'm going to ask you a few questions and if you answer me, you get to live a little longer... but if you don't?... you get your own gun shove up your ass and believe me I will do it... " Liv submissively nods her head._

Nodding her head in that same gesture, Liv begins to lose control over her actions. She becomes physically defensive. "Get off me." Liv screams as she instinctively knees Brian in the groin. He lets out a small cry. She continues to blindly defend herself by hitting him twice in his chest.

"Liv. Liv stop." He grabs both of her hands to avoid further blows. She takes a breath, forcing herself to calm down. She's at war with something. A powerful force. Tears pouring down like rain with a gust of wind. Brian isn't sure if he should let her hands go. He fears for both of their safety.

Luckily, Liv's body stands still. Brian carefully lets her go. He watches as Liv stares right through him. She stands there, frozen. "What are you doing here. What are you doing in my apartment" Liv's flashbacks continues to haunt her.

_He points the gun at her and warns her not to be brave. Liv scans her apartment for anything, an escape, another weapon, but her eyes ends up right back on Lewis and the gun. "Be a good girl detective". Within seconds, Lewis rushes towards Liv and slams her into the wall. In this process she hits the back of her head and the impact is so huge it causes blood. This time, Detective Olivia Benson succumbs and falls lifelessly onto the floor._

"He? He knocked me out. I reached for my gun right? I mean I would have. I should have.. But he still got me... Did I reach for my gun?" Liv says, barely above a whisper. Brian is horrified as Liv snaps back into the now. Tears stream down her beautiful face.

"It's ok. You alright? Huh?" Brian tries to grab her again. He wants to hold her in his arms, but Liv backs away.

She blinks the tears away and confusingly shakes her head. She has no control of her own mind anymore. It's a familiar feeling she knows all too well. Out of breath, Liv replies, "I'm fine."

"Are you?" Brian asks as Liv gets closer to the bathroom door.

"Yea. I'm good. Sorry." She escapes into the bathroom, her body is visibly shaken.

Brian sits back on the couch and drinks every sip of beer he has left. His back is against the walls. He searches his mind for solutions. He has gotten her to open up about rape. He didn't know if she was lying or being honest. She says he didn't rape her but he knows how much Liv's pride means to her. How can he help someone who isn't letting him in. Should he be grateful that she's alive and safe inside his home? Should he sit idly by and partake in Olivia Benson's downfall? Or should he ask someone for help?

Inside the bathroom, Liv is puking up an emptier stomach. She turns on the shower water to mask the sound of her vomiting. When she's done, she strips off her clothing. Stepping into the shower, Liv breaks down in tears.

**To Be Continued...**


	9. Chapter 9 - Chasing Cars

**Chapter Nine - Chasing Cars**

The passing days, Liv is slowly emerging from the darkness. Brian is along for the ride, yet this time, Liv is riding shotgun. Five nights and four days ago, Liv wouldn't talk. She wouldn't eat. Now? Liv nibbles on Brian's cooking, take outs, and any little thing lingering in the fridge. She talks. Brian never presses her to talk about Lewis. Liv never mentions anything regarding Lewis. Their conversations consists of current events, music, sports, and mostly tv shows. Their biggest discussions are; Jordan vs. LeBron, the affordable health care plan (Obamacare), their favorite contestant on the American Diva series, and the Mets vs. the Yankees. Those topics may appear impersonal, but their passion and agreement for it brings them to an intimate level.

The passing days, Liv is feeling closer to Brian. All the while, Brian is trying to figure out how he's lived most of his life without Liv. He hasn't left the apartment at all during this time. He finds himself in a different realm. He's locked inside of his place with her, exploring more and more about one another. It's as if they're the only two people on earth.

Liv is still screening calls. She's becoming dependent on Brian. He's allowing himself to take care of her but not allowing himself to totally enable her desolated state. Brian is trying every trick in the book to bring Liv out of the darkness. He understands the process. He will not push her to smile. He will not push her to talk about her ordeal. However, he will push her to eat. He will push her to take her meds. He will push her to stay alive.

One night, he tricks her into, finally, eating. They were lying in bed around three a.m. Liv couldn't fall asleep and Brian couldn't stay awake. He agreed to stay awake if she watched him perfect linguine with shrimp and lemon oil. When he's done, he pours red wine for the two of them. Once Liv tasted the wine, her appetite was back. Wine always made her fairly hungry and Brian knew that all too well.

Liv didn't know how hungry she was until she dug into Brian's food. Brian found it very cute and rather funny. He was just relieved that she was eating again.

It was exactly a week ago, today. Seven days. Liv has been a survivor of William Lewis for seven days. She's doing really well. She's eating, sleeping, taking only two baths a day, talking more, occasional chuckles, taking the medicine she was prescribed, and even letting Brian wrap his arms around her as they cuddled in bed.

Today. Today is the day that Brian returns to work. He has to leave Liv all alone. Leaving her all alone wasn't the ticker. Considering to quit his job to be home with Liv is the real ticker. Brian knows he's falling even more in love with Liv and it's an overwhelming pleasure.

The morning is setting in and Liv is wide awake. She holds Brian's hands as he snores next to her side. She can't let go of his hand. Brian's hand is like a door that leads her out of the madness. The madness of everything Lewis. The madness of this world. Every night Liv falls asleep or either wake up to flashbacks and nightmares. If it gets to be too much, she squeezes his hands and that brings her back to reality. To security.

"I think I should call Diego. Get him to fill in for me today." Brian eyes are still close. That's the way Brian Cassidy normally wakes up when sleeping next to Liv. He could lie next to her forever, ignoring time and ignoring all things. Liv lets his hand go, snuggles her head into his chest, and allows him to kiss her forehead.

"Bri. You've already missed a week of work. You should go." Liv traces his lips with her fingers. She's close to him. So close. He knows to allow her all control when she displays any affection. He longs to kiss her but is terrified of her reaction. She's comfortable touching him. He would never hurt her. As close as she is to him, she knows that she can trust Brian. She loves how she can always hear the sound of his heart beating.

"Yea you're right but..." Brian takes a deep breath. "I kinda love it here right now ya know? You, me. No one else just us..." He hears his voice tremble as the words slip out of his mouth. "I love it, I love you I love it I love it all." Panic. Brian closes his eyes, once again he's placed his foot in his mouth. _I love you? Really?_

If Brian is looking for a response from Liv, he's going to be sadly disappointed. Did she hear him? Of course she heard him say _I love you_. Will she react? "Me too," Liv closes her eyes, blowing it off. How was she suppose to respond? There is too much on her plate right now to deal with the _I love you's. _That should be unspoken right?

Brian feels like he's been kicked in the gut. He's lost in the moment of awkwardness. However, in their Bensidy-styled way of relating, Brian gets up and heads out for work.

After Brian leaves, Liv plugs in the coffee maker. She's already decided how she's going to spend her first day alone. Her first day alone since Lewis got the drop on her... She would clean Brian's apartment spotlessly. The time she spends scrubbing and sweeping would be equivalent to the time Brian returns home.

Liv begins with the kitchen. She works her way into the living room next. She will save the bathroom for the final project. As she begins cleaning the bedroom, a knock on the door startles Liv.

**To Be Continued...**


	10. Chapter 10 - The Visitors

**Chapter Ten - The Visitors**

* * *

_"If you enter this world loved, and leave knowing the same? Then everything in between can be dealt with." - Michael Jackson_

* * *

"Liv it's me."

She feels her heart thudding rapidly in her chest. She stands by the bed, frozen. She's not ready to face visitors, especially him. She has to turn him away. Maybe if she stands there, make no moves at all, and wishes him away _maybe he will leave._ "Olivia I'm not going anywhere. I know you're in there." _How? _Liv peeks through the peephole to learn that her suspicions are correct. _It's Simon_. Why is he here now? Does he know? "I'll wait out here forever or until you let me in." Simon knocks for several minutes, then, he eventually stops.

Liv looks into the peephole to find the hallway empty. Looking down at the floor, she notices a colorful sheet of paper. She squinches her eyes to get a more vivid look at the paper. It's plain white but covered in crayon ink and reads _get well soon auntie_ _Liv,_ _I love you._ Benson feels her eyes watering. She opens the door to grab the picture but Simon appears from out of no where, causing her to nearly jump out of her skin.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Simon eases his way inside without Liv offering him an invitation.

"Simon. What are you doing here." She closes the door, locking them both inside.

"My sister gets kidnapped and raped, I wanna see her." His voice is hostile but the hostility is not directed towards Liv. The hostility is directed towards the situation at hand.

"I wasn't raped." Liv's voice is automatically defensive. She refuses to accept that she may or may not be a rape victim. To anyone who have asked or will ask, _Lewis did not_ _rape her._ Of course, she isn't sure if he did or did not violate her in that way. She has yet to review her own rape kit and some of her memories are still in a cloud. She heads for the kitchen to grab two bottled waters.

Simon watches Liv as she walks towards him from the kitchen. He flinches at the bruises that covers her face. He's never seen his big sister so dressed down. She's wearing loose sweats that doesn't even look like her own. Her hair is a mess. Combed and decent but badly cut and tendril like. She's a mess. His heart sinks into his chest. He tries not to react but his eyes instantly waters. "I can't believe this. I can't believe this." Simon's anger begins to show.

"How did you find me." Liv hands her troubled young brother a bottle of water. She twists open her bottle and takes several sips before sitting onto the couch.

"Well I asked around." He takes a seat next to Liv but places his water on the end table. "We talk every week. Every Wednesday and sometimes we miss a week or even two weeks but on Livvie's birthday when you didn't call her... I got worried. I turn on the news and your face is plastered all over the TV. Saying you were kidnapped by some serial rapist nabbed 'The Beast'? Next thing you know? I'm at your job begging your coworkers to tell me where you are."

"Did they tell you?" She takes a small breath. Her breathing still causes her, not much but dull, pain.

Simon is unable to take his eyes off of his sister. He wipes his face with his hand before answering. "No. Your captain, that new partner you have. They wouldn't tell me anything except that you were alive. But that blonde chick. Rollins? Yea she told me. Don't be angry with her... She seem to have a weakness for family so I worked her over..." Simon reads the disappointment on his sister's face. "I'm sorry Olivia but I had to see you."

Liv considerably understands his worries. She knows he loves her but it's embarrassing for her to have him looking at her in such a fragile state. "It's ok Simon.. You've found me so?" She rolls her eyes as she shrugs it off. "What are you gonna do right?"

He tries to smile. His eyes are focused on the paper in Olivia's hand. "She made that for you. She misses you Liv I don't know what to tell her."

Liv's eyes tear up. Her heart is in a flutter. "Tell her I'm? ... Tell her I'm fine." Her voice cracks.

"You want me to lie to my daughter?" Simon reads the annoyingly confused look on Benson's face.

"Simon, Livvie's only five years old. Six years old." Liv corrects herself as she remembers the passing of her niece's recent birthday. "She doesn't need to know that I was kidnapped."

"She wants to see you." He finally opens and sips his water.

"I can't let her see me right now ok..." She stands to her feet. "Maybe after a couple of days Simon but not now." Liv stares onto the floor. There is silence between the two of them for several seconds. The tears drown her eyes, causing them to fall onto her cheeks. "I could take it."

Simon stands to his feet and grabs her hands. Liv flinches but allows her brother's warmth to physically console her. "Are you sure you're fine?" His voice comes out in a whisper. Liv shivers as she realizes how much Simon's voice sounds like her own voice. The comparison of her brother and herself always fascinated Liv.

"Yes." She looks him in his eyes. Was she telling him the truth? Is she fine? Physically, yes. _Mentally I'm all over the place but my bruises are healing _is the only reason she's looking into her brother's eyes and proclaiming to be fine. She is not fine. She's only giving him a half ass answer to avoid being shrink by her brother. Does Simon believe her? No.

"Ok. And this guy?" Simon looks around the apartment. "Brian? He treats you ok? He takes care of you?"

Liv feels herself smiling. It was genuine. Smiling is always a positive action, especially when the smile is real. "He's alright. I trust him. And uh?" She scratches her head. "Apparently he's in love with me so yea." The smile on her face and the tears that fall on her face makes her even more beautiful. Beautiful and strong. Liv remembers Brian's confession _I love you _and her smile enlightens.

"Good." Simon walks towards the door. " I'll be back soon. I'll bring Livvie." He attempts to hug Liv but she backs away. "I love you sis."

Liv watches as Simon walks away.

* * *

After the unexpected visit from Simon, Liv was able to finish her cleaning. She even cooked herself lunch instead of ordering out. The visit from her brother lifted her spirit. After she formed a relationship with Simon, Liv always felt not-so-alone in this world. Finding him may have caused trouble in her life before, but it was all worth it down the line.

Sitting in the living room, on the couch, Liv decides to go through her phone. People have been blowing her up for an entire week. Calls from her squad and Captain are in the majority. Looking through her texts, she is shocked to see the many _thinking about_ _you, get well soon, call if you need me_ messages from Alex Cabot and Casey Novak.

She comes to the conclusion that she is loved. She is loved by many people. When she was not sure of her fate while under Lewis's clutches, Liv remembers wishing and praying to live just for her loved ones. A big part of her fight, her surviving mechanism, was the reunion with her loved ones. She realizes, at some point, she will need to get up and live her life. She's a survivor now. The terror she's been through should give her more ammo to face life. She needs to live to tell her story. She needs to live for herself. She needs to live for her loved ones.

Liv hops off the couch and heads into the bathroom. Opening the medicine cabinet, she grabs her pain medication. She opens the bottle and flushes all the pills down the toilet. She splashes water onto her face. She heads to the bedroom and grabs one of her finer blouses, and a pair of leggings. Putting the outfit on the bed, Liv plans to woo Brian when he returns home.

She gets into the shower, washes her body, and washes her hair. When she's done cleaning and refreshening herself, she steps out of the shower. She gets to the mirror and gazes at her hair. It's so choppy and unprofessionally cut. She gets out Brian's hair gel and it makes her hair surprisingly curly. Looking into the mirror, Liv wants to break. She wants to cry. She doesn't. She just smiles.

After she puts her clothes on, Liv gets the place all romantic. She orders Thai and pours red wine in two glasses. She lights a few candles and when satisfied with the mood, Liv sits on the couch patiently waiting. Fifteen minutes later, the food is here.

Brian is due home around six p.m and its now after five p.m. Her heart races. Why was she so anxious? Could she be subconsciously planning an evening of love making? Is she ready for that? She only wants to make Brian happy. She feels deep gratitude towards him. He professed his love for her, _he's in love with her._ She sighs as she's reminded of her behavior the last few days. Brian endured a couple of days where she was in prison and a couple of days where her mind was nearly dead. Figuratively.

As time passed, Liv begins drowning in her thoughts. Her memories. Brian was late. The food was getting cold. Liv has nearly drunk the entire wine bottle. The dizziness of the wine brought her back to her drunken states with Lewis. She rushes to bathroom and pukes it all up. Eventually, Liv phones Brian. He doesn't answer. When nine o'clock hits, Liv heads to the bedroom and falls asleep.

* * *

Waking up to pee, Liv hops out of bed. She looks at the time on her phone. Midnight. Brian was still not home. Suddenly, she hears a creaking noise coming from the living.

"Bri?"

Liv jumps as she hears someone enter Brian's apartment. She goes to the chest and grabs one of Brian's guns. It's dark. It's very dark. She tries to creep into the living room but her footsteps are too loud. She notices two tall figures standing by the door. _Who are they?_

Liv squinches her eyes and realizes what she's actually seeing. "You killed him." The voice throws Liv and all she can think of is _No._

**To Be Continued...**


	11. Chapter 11 - Recuerdo

**Chapter Eleven - Recuerdos**

_Waking up to pee, Liv hops out of bed. She looks at the time on her phone. Midnight. Brian was still not home. Suddenly, she hears a creaking noise coming from the living._

_"Bri?"_

_Liv jumps as she hears someone enter Brian's apartment. She goes to the chest and grabs one of Brian's guns. It's dark. It's very dark. She tries to creep into the living room but her footsteps are too loud. She notices two tall figures standing by the door. _Who are they?

_Liv squinches her eyes and realizes what she's actually seeing. "You killed him." The frighteningly familiar voice throws Liv and all she can think of is _No.

_"You don't remember do you? I bet you do bitch. You killed him... You beat him with that bed post. He's dead now detective." _

_Liv tries to make out the faces of the two figures. "Who's dead," Liv asks above a whisper, her body trembles in fear._

_"I am." The second figure's voice is finally heard. This time, Liv feels the urge to run._

_"No no no it? It can't be..." Her voice is inaudible. The two figures step into Liv's sight and her skin begins to crawl with ants and maggots. Literally. Taking her eyes off of the two men, she looks down at her body. She's naked. Maggots and ants are oozing out of her skin._

_The fear in her eyes are not so much caused by the insects but caused by the two men cornering her, _Lowell Harris and William Lewis_. She opens her mouth to scream but only her bloody underwear comes out._

* * *

"Liv? .. Liv wake up. Liv come on you're having a nightmare. Come on." Brian sits on the bed aside Liv, lightly shaking her as his ears sting from the screams she lets out. He watches as she scratches her skin until it bleeds. Not wanting her to hurt herself, Brian now begins to shake her more forcibly. "Liv no stop it..." Brian's tone tries to match the pitch of Liv's screams, "Liv wake up, it's just a bad dream, you're safe-Liv?"

Liv pops up. Her eyes wide open. She lets out a deep breath. For several seconds, she's hyperventilating, trying to take in her surroundings. Brian backs away to give her space, although, he's still sitting on the bed. He wants to be close enough to hold her if she cries and far enough to give her room if she cries.

"It's ok." Brian whispers as Liv calms herself down. "It was a bad dream right? Come on you're ok."

"Sorry." Liv voice is breathy. Brian moves in closer to her and is surprised when she hugs him. She's so soft. She smells heavenly. Lavender and vanilla fragrances consumes Brian's nostrils. He doesn't want to let her go. Out of all the people in her life, she's choosing to lean on _him_. He's thankful.

Pulling back before Liv feels overpowered by his hug, Brian asks his girlfriend about the dream. "I uh?" Liv shakes her head confusingly. "I don't remember." Brian gets up to turn on his bedroom lamp. "Are you just getting home?" Liv flips on the television.

"No. I got here after six. Rush hour right. Sorry I know I was late but don't be mad... I didn't wanna wake you when I got here so I've been busy cooking a late dinner." Brian slouches in his bed. His back pressed up against the head board and pillow.

"How was your first day back?" Liv places her head on Brian's lap. He begins to brush her hair back. She tries not to flinch.

"Same old story. You know? Boring." Brian continues to caress Liv's hair. "What about you? Hm? What'd you do all day?"

Liv closes her eyes as she remembers Lewis caressing her hair on several occasions during her captivity. She tries to fight that violent reaction, that she feel is coming, by lifting her head. Brian looks at her, puzzled. He knows he's done something wrong.

"What's wrong?" He tries to read Liv's face.

"Simon found me. My brother? He was here earlier." She gets out of bed and begins to stretch her stiff limbs.

"How'd he find you here?"

"Simon is like me. He's resourceful."

"Well? You ok? I mean, did he want something?"

"No." She sits back on the bed. "He only wanted to know if I was ok." Liv tries to muster up a smile but it comes out fake.

"Oh ok... Speaking of family?" Brian stands up and grabs a small note pad from his pocket. "My ma wanted me to give this to you."

Liv is both flattered and suspicious. She grabs the note pad from Brian. "What is it?"

Brian chuckles as he remembers his mom demanding that he give the note pad to Liv before he headed to work this morning. "Her infamous cook book. Just a list of ingredients, recipes, and what nots."

Liv is confused but grateful. "You told her I cooked?"

Brian sits next to Liv and waits several seconds before answering his girlfriend. "No. I never told her you cooked but... Look my ma takes pride in her recipes right. My pop's mom-my nana, gave these same recipes to her. "

Liv agrees. "And she gives her recipes to me? Bri come on? She doesn't even know if I cook or not."

Brian looks into Liv's eyes. "Look. She doesn't have to know if you cook or don't cook.. I mean she knows I cook, she taught me how to cook. She wants you to have this because it's a tradition to her... And she's proud of me for.. [Her words right?] finding a leannán... She wants you to have this because you're the only woman I've ever told her about and she considers you apart of the family." Brian gets up to go into the kitchen with no idea of how better he's made Liv feel.

* * *

The next morning, Brian left the apartment without waking Liv. She feels empty waking up alone. Brian made sure to leave a message for her and placed it on his pillow. _Hey Liv. For a second I thought I would sleep in and bail on work but who am I kidding. I need the money right. Plus I don't have the balls to skip a day. See you in a few. _She grabs her phone from the charger, next to the bed. _100% charged._

Liv gets up, puts the coffee on, and head to the bathroom to shower and brush her teeth. After she's done, she orders breakfast from Buttermilk Channel's. Liv places her phone on the end table. She sits on the sofa, anxiously debating if calling and checking in on her job was something she's ready for. She wants to know what's going on and, at the same time, she doesn't want to place herself in that world again. _Not yet, at least._

_Maybe I call the Captain? To check in_? Liv begins to dial Cragen's number. After two rings, Liv's mind goes rigid with fear. A vision. An illusion? A specter of her unaccountable time with Lewis manifests its way violently inside of her memory. Her hearing is lost. The only sound she hears is her own voice repeating lines from Brian's note _who am I kidding. I need the money right. Plus I don't have the balls to skip a day._

She's losing self control once more. She's being yanked back inside of that beach house. Her body becomes paralyzed. This wasn't an illusion or a vision. This happened.

"_You're out cold aren't ya? I haven't called anyone yet... I think I want you to suffer."_

A look of bewilderment paints Benson's face. What is she seeing? Was this how Lewis ended up so pulverized?

_"I want to shoot you in the head right now. Watch you bleed out. Maybe that's too easy. My old partner, he'd know what to do. He wouldn't question himself, after what you've done. He would kick your teeth in. Break your legs, break your arms, break your back, break your face."_

The memories are overwhelming Liv. She's cowering on Brian's sofa trying to block out the memories and invite the memories inside of her head.

_"One day, my dad got wasted. He passed out, right? She comes out of the room. She asks me if I want to play. She puts me in her mouth. God, it felt good. Then my daddy came out, he slaps her in the face. She's bleeding from her nose and mouth. He grabs her, pulls her pants down, does her on the floor..."_

Liv manages to get up off the sofa. _Am I catching a heart attack too?_ It appears as if she's writhing in pain. Struggling to stand straight and struggling to walk.

_I knew it... You don't have the balls.."_

She hears the sound of her own screams during her ordeal. She can vividly see herself grabbing the bedpost. She catches herself from falling when she flashes to a part of her ordeal she's been suppressing. It's horrible. She hears the sound of the post hitting Lewis repeatedly. The sound is so visceral. So harrowing.

"Oh my God." Liv falls to the floor. "What did I do?"

**To Be Continued...**


	12. Chapter 12 - He Could Have

**Chapter Twelve - He Could Have **

"Hey babe. Got the evening off. Lucky me right? ... Anyway I was thinking we could order some movies on Netflix. Cook a good meal and waste away our Saturday night. Ok. Call me when you get this. Bye."

Liv dials Brian back but he doesn't pick up. She rolls out of bed with a hangover from yesterday's memories.

Since her last flashback, Liv has been getting a clearer picture of the events that lead to Lewis's subduing. She remembers him taunting her while he was handcuff to the bed. She remembers him telling her things about his sordid childhood. She remembers not being able to control her rage when he wouldn't shut up. She also remembers channeling Elliot for ways to hurt Lewis. That is all.

The flashbacks and the lost memories leave Liv with so many unanswered questions. Why can't she remember anything else? Why are the memories coming back to her in distorted flashes? Is her subconscious hiding something horrible, something unimaginable about her ordeal? If so, what was it? Sometimes certain memories are blocked out by victims to protect themselves from additional and unbelievable trauma. What is she blocking out?

Liv hears the apartment door opening. She walks out of the bedroom just as Brian's entering the apartment. "Hey." Brian has a brown bag of food in his hands.

"Hey Bri." Liv takes the bag out of his hands and makes her way to the kitchen.

"Thanks. You get my message?" He follows her to the kitchen.

"Yea." Liv unpacks the groceries. "I uh. I called you back but I don't know.. You're here now so that's all that matters. So how'd you get off so early?" Liv hands Brian the first item she grabs from the bag, the almond milk.

"Bomb threat. Gotta say? I love those." Brian opens the fridge and places the milk inside. He looks up to find Liv disturbed by what he just said. She grabs celery and more things from the bag, in a beat. "I'm joking. I mean I'm sure it was bogus right? Plus it's not the first time it's happened." He grabs the celery and egg cartoon from Liv's hand.

"So I was thinking we be lazy all day? I mean you requested it so we're allowed" She opens the cabinet and places the Special K cereal inside.

"Sounds good to me." He places the celery and egg cartoon inside the fridge. "Oh there's that Jennifer Lawrence movie that just got added to Netflix. You were talking about seeing it soon so."

Grabbing the last item, a loft of ginger bread, Liv unexpectedly sneezes. "Oh. Excuse me."

"Gesundheit."

"Thanks. Hope I'm not getting sick." She places the ginger bread in the same cabinet as the cereal.

"If you do get sick..." Brian grabs an apple from the fridge before closing it, "I'll take care of you."

Liv smiles. "I'm not a nice person when I'm sick Bri. You may wanna reconsider."

Brian chuckles. "I told you. You don't have to be anything for me Liv." Brian means that from the bottom of his heart. He kisses her on her forehead and heads to the living room.

"So shall we begin our lazy day now. I mean it's still early." She looks over at him from the kitchen.

"It's not early." He takes a seat on the couch.

"Bri, it's only two in the afternoon." She opens the fridge and grabs a weird colored and weird looking smoothie.

"Been up since four a.m Liv.. Trust me. It's not early." He bites another bite of apple.

"You're right." She makes her way into the living room, sits next to Brian, and takes a sip of her 'smoothie'. For seconds, Brian watches her drink the green colored smoothie. He's amused. She feels his eyes on her and turns her face in his direction. A look of annoyance yet tolerance comes across her face. "What?"

"Hey? That sewage looking stuff? ... What the hell is that?" He gently grabs the drink out of her hands. Sniffing the drink, Brian lets out a laugh and makes a funny face, "Seriously Liv?"

"What? Come on Bri. Ok sure it's a little disgusting. But? It's healthy. Detox. It's better than beer right." She grabs it back with more force.

"Nothing's better than beer." He chuckles. "Well. Except sex." He instantly regrets this comment. Not being able to look at her, Brian lets out a deep breath. "I mean..."

"Please.. You're allowed." She sips her drink. Brian's a man. He's a very sexual man. Liv knows that it has been over two weeks since they made love. Two weeks can seem like forever for a man. She isn't angry by his comment. "Please don't do that."

Brian looks at her with compassion. "Don't do what?"

Liv places the drink on the end table and turns her body towards him. They sit inches apart from one another. So close that their faces almost touch. "Don't spare my feelings. Don't walk around on egg shells-don't? Don't treat me like I will break. I'm not that weak Bri."

Brian agrees and smiles. "Liv you're the strongest woman I've ever known. Before and after..." He picks up her drink and puts down his apple. "I could never see you as weak..." He studies the green liquid in the glass, puts it to his lips, and takes a sip. He makes the ugliest face then spits the drink out on his carpet. "That. Is. Disgusting." Brian spits profusely. "Jesus," he yells. Liv finds this incredibly amusing. She hates that she's laughing at Brian's expense. However, his reaction and the faces he's making is hysterical to Liv. She's laughing and she's trying not to laugh. _Laughter._ It's a horrible feeling to fake a laugh. It's an incredible feeling to hide a real laugh. "Something funny Liv?" He asks in a playful tone.

"I'm sorry..." She tries to control her laughter. "I'm sorry Bri but..." More laughs come out of Liv. She can't talk. Brian looks at her, smiling, while pretending to be annoyed. She finally calms down but not before letting out a snort. "Wow. Sorry. You shouldn't drink things that isn't your own beer man."

"Well I learned my lesson-wait? Did you actually just snort?" He laughs.

"Oh no don't turn this on me. The jokes still on you." Taking a deep breath, she glances at Brian's smile. She puts her head down and her face turns serious. Brian studies her demeanor. She looks at him and tears fill her eyes. "Thanks for making me laugh."

He wants to kiss her but he settles for hand holding. She wants to kiss him as well. Kissing is a nature thing. She feels like a young girl instead of an experienced adult. What happens is she kisses him? What's so horrible and so horrifying about a little old kiss? Without warning, Brian is taken by Liv's soft lips.

She pulls back with tears in her eyes. "He could have." Brian is confused. He wants to know what she means but doesn't ask. Liv knows he's puzzled so he doesn't _have_ to ask. "He could have raped me... I was always out. Maybe he did."

Brian's heart sinks. He stares at his girlfriend as a tear drops from her eyes. It was something that he dreaded the second he learned about William Lewis kidnapping Liv. He tried to ignore I but he always knew... _Sick son of a bitch raped her._

**To Be Continued...**


	13. Chapter 13 - She Will Never Be The Same

*****For some reason FF is not allowing me to respond the you guy's WONDERFUL feedback. So I'll sneak in a huge "**THANK YOU SO MUCH**" in this chapter**. ***

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen - She Will Never Be The Same**

Red Merlot wine. Sugar-cookie scented candles. _Mortal Fear_ by Ann Rule. Beige colored, wool blanket. Strawberries and melt chocolate. Smooth jazz. Sweats and barefoot. Good morning New York. Good morning Detective Benson.

...

"Hey. Come in..." Liv lets out a small and tiring breath as she welcomes Amanda Rollins inside Cassidy's apartment. "Thank you for coming." Benson closes the apartment door. Gripping a brown folder to her side, Amanda looks around the apartment. She's never been to Cassidy's apartment so her normal human reaction will be to scope the place out. Her eyes then focuses on Liv's bruised face. It's not as bad as she last saw it, but it doesn't look good.

"Nick. He's out working a case in Brooklyn and Fin is on vacation.. Munch is holding everything down at the precinct and um... Captain? He got called to court, testifying on that Reese Lanther trial? So he asked me to come here instead. I hope that's ok."

"Yea. Rollins it's fine... Can I pour you a glass?" Liv takes a seat on the recliner.

"No I'm good..." Amanda's legs are tired from the flight of stairs that leads to Cassidy's apartment. She sits on the couch, bites her lips, and looks in Liv's direction. "It's good to see you. The bruises are fading, that's good right... How ya feeling?" Rollins waits a while before Liv answers. She's not sure how to act around Liv. Liv's eyes are glued to the floor. Rollins notices and tries not to make the silent moment anymore awkward.

"I'm good." Liv's answer comes out dry and straight to the point. Amanda doesn't buy it one bit. When Liv is finally able to look Rollins in the face, their eyes lock, and Rollins unintentionally gasp.

"Sorry." Rollins tries to smile it off. "I'm glad you're doing ok ya know. Everyone at the station misses you and we all know how strong you are so."

Liv cuts Rollins off. "Uh?" She is not really interesting in hearing about her job or co-workers at this point.

Amanda catches on and hands her the files in the brown folder. "We're not gonna need it back. They're copies so."

"Yea, thanks" Liv's mind is one track. She's anxiously awaiting to open the folder and, at the same time, scared to death of opening the folder.

Amanda tries not to study Liv's demeanor but finds herself not being able to help her curiosity. _She's such a beautiful woman, seeing her so beaten up like this is so... _Amanda shakes her head before losing her thoughts. She watches as Liv struggles mentally with opening the report on her rape kit. She watches Liv's hand shake uncontrollably.

When Liv looks up at her, Amanda swiftly turns her head. Liv grabs the stereo's remote and turns down the music. Rollins cringes at the quietness. The tension that exists, not between Amanda and Benson, but between Benson and Benson's own personal demons.

Amanda wishes she and Liv could be closer. _Especially now_. Maybe she thinks of Liv as an older sister. _A leader._ She's never really had a positive female figure to look up to her entire life. Before she even met Liv, Rollins always admired the fearless detective Olivia Benson. Her 'star struck' phase disappeared with time but there is always something Liv does (case-wise) that never cease fo amaze the Georgia peach. They sometimes disagree on things. They never really share personal information as much as females normally do. Nonetheless, they've spent long nights in the squad cars, band together in life threatening occasions, and _that alone_ gives them a meaningful connection.

Liv falls into a stare that lasts for exactly one minute and thirty-two seconds. Not being able to continue on watching Liv battle her personal demons, Rollins grabs the folder.

"Liv? Ok." Rollins, who has always been over eager and unintentionally blunt, decides to take matters into her own hands. "His fluids-his saliva was found on your face, back, shoulders, legs, arm, mouth, fingers, neck, stomach, breast... They found his pre-ejaculation fluids on your buttocks and inner thighs. Also bite marks on your labia. Bruised thighs..." Rollins is talking to Liv, but Liv doesn't appear to be listening. Her eyes are glued to the floor. The shock comes upon Benson quickly. Her heart beats loudly. Her stomach is in knots, it actually begins to hurt. A dull but intolerable pain.

After a few more seconds of silence, Rollins continues. She knows that Liv needs to hear everything _after all, she's the one who requested it_. "But there was no vaginal tearing, no anal trauma, I mean? Maybe there was no penetration." Rollins concludes, not believing her own words.

Liv faces her understudy with tears in her eyes. "That doesn't tell me anything." Her voice tone is low and so shaken. She gets up, grabs the bottle of wine, and begins pacing back and forth. "There are some things that I still can't remember." She's becoming breathless. "No vaginal tears, no trauma... That doesn't mean anything." Liv's fustration, her anger is clear in the way she speaks. A single tear falls from her eye.

"Hey? It could mean everything. There's still a chance that he didn't go that far. Ok?" Rollins knows that she's lying to Liv. She knows that William Lewis had Benson at his mercy for four days. _There's no doubt that Lewis raped her._

Liv wipes her single tear, flops back on the recliner, and takes a deep breath. "Yea. Maybe. Maybe you're right."

"Look. Go over it. Draw your own conclusions. Maybe some things'll come back to you." Rollins hands her the folder but Liv doesn't reach for it. As Amanda places the folder on the end table, Liv stands up once more. She faces Rollins who tries to muster up a smile. "I can stay. As long as you need Liv. I mean if you wanna talk." She waits for Liv's feedback but nothing. Quiet silence. "If he did. Liv? ... Then you gotta know that there is nothing you could have done. He had you tied up, kept you drunk. He feed you drugs... This is on him. Not you. This is in no way your fault-"

Liv cuts Rollins off. Her body is trembling. In a whisper, Liv asks, "Rollins can you leave me alone."

Amanda is surprised but not insulted. She understands. "Ok. Yea sure..." As Rollins heads out she stops with a thought. "You want me to call Cassidy?"

Liv rolls her eyes, "no I'm ok."

Rollins nods her head, opens the door, and walks out.

Liv waits a few seconds after Rollins leaves to get all her tears out. She cries inconsolably for minutes. She's convinced that Lewis raped her and there is nothing preparing her for the raw emotions that she's feeling. She covers her mouth with one hand to mute out her sobs. However, her crying gets loud. She wants to scream. She throws the wine bottle against the wall so hard that it not only shatters but re-injures her broken arm. She grabs at her hair, rocking back and forth. Back and forth. Her cries are heartbreaking. It takes five minutes to transfer her loud cries into small but violent sobs. She appears to be calming down. She curls up in a fetal position.

* * *

The night has moved in. Brian enters his apartment to find it pitch black. In his hands are flowers. He calls out for Liv but nothing. Before he reaches the light switch in the living room, he hears her sobs. "Liv?" He clicks on the light quickly. He drops the flowers when he finds Liv on the floor. She's in that same position. Brian runs to her.. "Liv? Hey... Hey you ok?"

**To Be Continued...**


	14. Chapter 14 - Dr Lindstrom

**Chapter Thirteen - Dr. Lindstrom **

Dialogue Only.

_Monday, June 10, 2013_

_Office of Dr. Peter Lindstrom_

_Manhattan, New York _

_9:13 a.m_

_(Liv sits in the cushioned chair. She's nervous. Her bruises are healing. Her re-injured arm is now re-cast. Dr. Lindstrom sits adjacent to Liv, yet, about five feet away.)_

"I was having a bad day. I was upset. My captain told me to take two days off. I stopped at a bodega for a few things. I got home and when I entered my apartment, I heard a noise... I was tired so I guess I wasn't thinking. I froze. He was there, waiting for me. In the course of four days, he kept me tied up, handcuffed, drunk, and drugged. He use every chance he had to torture me... I was burned. I was cut... He branded me. When he took me out of my apartment, he drove around the city... Several vehicles were stolen, a woman was pistol whipped and left deserted, along with her infant child, a cop was murdered, and a woman was raped, brutally, during Lewis's rampage... He eventually found an abandon beach house where he planned to rape me, torture me, and eventually kill me... He uh? Restrained me. To an iron frame bed. Somehow, I was able to break free of my restraints, and? Used the metal frame bar from the bed to hit him... And when he was finally subdued, he was handcuffed. He kept taunting me. Like he knew every raw nerve."

"You were in a very vulnerable state. It almost seems as if you're blaming yourself."

"I know better.. But he still got to me."

"Got to you?"

"Yeah. Yea... But not the way you think."

"How do you mean?"

"He's still inside of my head... He baited me and I took the bait... From what I've seen? There are monsters all over this world. My job is to catch these monsters, not become one."

"Olivia you did what you felt was right in that moment."

"What was right? He was already subdued and I snapped. I lost it. I beat him and I couldn't stop... I thought. I had killed him."

"You said he taunted you, yes? Had you tied up and drugged. He baited you? Olivia your ability to cope with all of that overwhelmed you."

"And that makes it ok?"

"When a person goes through a horrific experience, such as yourself, their actions aren't always rational. In a moment they may snap, they may not be aware of what they're doing. Rather their actions are moral or immoral."

"Are you saying that I was temporarily insane?"

"I'm saying I hear you feeling a lot of guilt and regret... Let me ask you this? If you walked in, unarmed, on Lewis torturing another woman, instead of yourself, then would you have defended her in the same matter?"

"That's not the same thing."

"Is it? Because you defended yourself?"

"Even though he was handcuffed and could no longer hurt me?"

"You said he taunted you. Did he asked you to kill him?"

"Yes. But he wanted me to shoot him... He was willing to lose his life just to get to me, to get inside my head. And?... He did.."

**To Be Continued...**


	15. Chapter 15 - Work In Progress

**Chapter Fifteen - Work In Progress**

One month later...

Olivia is moving on with her life. Those four days in mid-May were the days that flipped her reality upside down. Those days forever changed the beautiful detective. She still carries it in her mind like it was yesterday.

Making the decision to see a therapist was Olivia's first real step towards recovery. After Brian found her curled up on his floor a month ago, he persuaded her to be hypnotized. He figured the hypnosis would bring out the buried memories and any doubts of her being raped. She, in turned, decided therapy would be enough. If hypnotized, she may really learn if Lewis went that far. Nights that haunted her _she yearned to know what she could not remember. _Other nights that haunted her _she yearned to never remember what she could not rememeber. _Liv didn't know what was worse; remembering that Lewis raped her, or not remembering that Lewis raped her...

Dr. Lindstrom advised her to go out and do different things. Change her old routines and start anew. Lately, Liv has been baking _not successfully_, mastering yoga (between bouts of fustration from the interrupting city noises), discovering her new faith in the higher powers (which she has Brian's mom to thank for that), and attending kickboxing classes. They are all a work in progress but, then again, so is Liv.

Something Dr. Lindstrom told her that she found completely profound. Something that she carries with her daily... _The saying 'It gets better with time' may not be so accurate. It's what you do with that time that makes it better._

She's also coming out of the limelight to reconnect with her, new and old, family members at SVU. However, the more she connects with her coworkers, the more she longs to return to the only job she's ever known. It's a process to progress.

Brian is still at her side. Every Friday, they go out for a date night. Every Saturday, they stay in and cook for one another. Every Sunday morning, they attend mass with Brian's mom. On weekdays, Brian is usually working. When he works long hours, the two of them have phone dates.

Last weekend, Liv and Melinda [M.E Warner] had lunch. It was nice to catch up with an old face. Brian has been amazing with Liv, but she needs to vent to someone else. Also, she knows that Brian needs his space. She knows that he has a life too. They've been inseparable for a month and _then some_. Plus, when two people spend as much time as they have together, they get annoyed with one another.

They cooked together, went out in the world together, and talked on the phone a great deal. But, also? They've argued a lot with one another. It's always the small things that started their arguments. _Brian never puts down the toilet lid. Liv tosses his razors and other personal items aside to scatter her make up all over the bathroom counter. Brian never washes his dirty dishes. Etc, etc._

All in all, Olivia's life had finally gotten back on track. The nightmares were coming less and less. Her bruises were now all faded. She could breathe without feeling any pain. She could urinate without feeling a burning sensation. Brian touches her, kisses her, and she doesn't jump out of her skin. The flashbacks, along with the memories were all coming to her less and less.

Things were changing for Olivia mentally as well. For weeks, Liv had been thinking about her sexual relationship with Brian. There were times when she would lie up all night, aroused and wet. The more she thought of it, the more she encouraged herself to act on it...

* * *

Tonight, after Brian gets home, Liv plans on seducing Brian. She wants to feel his love so close, so intimate. Body to body. Naked and exposed. Her desires overwhelms her. Just a few weeks ago, thinking about sex made Olivia physically ill. Thanks to therapy and time, her sexual desires have returned.

"Hey babe." Brian enters his dimmed lit apartment to find candles and rose pedals decorating the entire apartment. John Legend's music plays softly. "Liv?" Brian calls out as he curiously takes in his surroundings.

"Hey." Liv comes out of the bedroom without warning. Brian's eyes gazes at Liv, captured by her radiance. Liv makes her way towards him. She's wearing his T-shirt and has his favorite perfume, she owns, sprayed all over her body _The One by Dolce and Gabbana_. She must have went to her hairstylist earlier. Everything about her is beautiful. There is no way that he's taking his eyes off her. There is no way he'll be able to take his hands off her.

"Hi." Brian walks closer to Liv, brushes her hair back, and smiles. "Hey beautiful."

"You like what I did to the place?" Her sultry yet sassy voice run chills down Brian's spine.

"I like what you're wearing. I uh." He begins kissing her neck. "I like how you're smelling." He grabs her chin and kisses her lips. "What's up Liv?"

"Shhh..." She shushes him with her index finger. He melts as he feels her finger touching his lips. "Don't talk." Liv's soft lips grazes Brian's peppermint scented lips. He easily becomes hot. It's when she begins passionately kissing him, Brian's nature rises. He wraps his arms around her waist.

Their tongues make hot steamy, quite juicy, love. Liv doesn't want him to stop, Brian doesn't want to stop. However, in the heat of he moment, Brian pulls back. "Hey." He grabs her chin, she's confused as to why he's stopped. "Hey, you sure about this?" Her sensual brown eyes burn into Brian's erotic gaze. Liv takes a deep breath, looks towards the floor in a blank thought, and nods her head. _She's ready_.

"Ok. Ok." He caresses her hair and is relieved when she doesn't flinch. "Hey. What I said to you. When you moved in here a month ago. The love thing, right... Look, I meant it. I wasn't trying to scare you or rush into anything. Hm? .. I mean it, k? And look. I can't imagine my life without you. I'm kinda here to stay and-"

Liv cuts him off, "Brian, stop talking." She continues to kiss him but this time, she also unbuckles his belt. In turn, Brian grabs her ass.

As they kiss, their eyes are opened. While staring into each other's eyes... His hands gripping her soft and bare butt. Her fingers inside of his jeans preparing to stroke him hard enough to salute his penis. His fingers, now sliding between her legs. Her mouth's seductively sucking his neck. His two fingers _index and middle_ now entering her vagina. Her fingers finally meeting his hard penis. His two fingers penetrating her soft and right. Her eyes rolling back as pleasure overtakes her. His grunting. Her moaning.

"Wait." Liv says above a whisper. She takes her hand off of his penis. Although he hates it, Brian takes his fingers out of her.

"Did I hurt you?" Brian says in extreme panic. He slowly takes two steps back. His loose and unbuckled pants falls to the floor. His penis pointing in her direction.

"That's not what this is." Liv takes one step further and begins to unbutton her shirt. As she disrobes, Brian refuses to blink.

Her shirt falls to the floor. She takes three steps closer to Brian. He undresses quickly. Liv bites her lips. He pulls her closer. She feels his warm penis grazing her skin. He picks her up and carries her to the bed.

Everything begins to happen so fast. Brian throws her onto the bed.

Immediately, Liv's mind takes her to the beach house where Lewis also threw her onto a bed.

Brian climbs on top of Liv, not noticing her face. It's dark and dimmed. He slides down to taste her. He begins to lick her clitoris.

Liv silently panics. A lost memory has popped inside of her head. It was Lewis kissing and licking her vagina while she was out.

Brian doesn't waste anytime as he comes from under. He spreads her legs open and teases her by slapping his penis against her vagina.

Liv tries to control herself but her body involuntarily trembles. She's sweating. She doesn't want to stop this because she started this. She wants Brian to be sexually satisfied. She knows it's not her fault if he isn't, but she still feels a tad guilty.

Brian gently enters Liv, and after one thrust, she pops up. "Fuck," Liv says loudly. Brian gets off of her, frustrated.

_Fuck_. Fuck Lewis for touching her body. Her body belonged to Brian _to her_. Fuck Lewis for permanently invading her thoughts. Fuck Lewis for destroying her sexual desires. Fuck Lewis for damaging her to the point where it's impossible for her to reach any kind of climax. Fuck Lewis for making her a victim.

Liv begins to cry as Brian gets out of bed. She feels his anger towards, not her, but the situation. He leaves the room without saying anything. Liv holds herself. She grabs a pillow to keep from screaming. Brian gets into the bathroom and masturbates. It only takes him a small amount of time to ejaculate.

When he returns to his bed, he finds Liv curled up in a ball. He climbs in bed and holds her. They both continually apologizes to one another until Brian falls asleep. She isn't going to sleep. She has to battle with the memories of Lewis. She has to accept this person she's trying so hard not to become.

**To Be Continued... **


	16. Chapter 16 - Dr Lindstrom

**Chapter Sixteen - Dr. Lindstrom **

Dialogue.

_Thursday, August 1, 2013_

_Office of Dr. Peter Lindstrom_

_Manhattan, New York_

_9:24 a.m_

_Her legs shake nervously as she tries to get all her feelings out loudly. He watches her stability and tries to calm her down with questions and advice. They sit in their usual chairs_.

"I'm sorry. This is just.. It's very uncomfortable to talk about."

"Olivia, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable... While I understand your reluctance to open up, I want you to know that there is nothing you tell me, here, that will make me judge you. Your actions. You're safe here. The past month. You've made such progress."

_Hesitating for longer than ten seconds, Liv eventually caves in_. "Ok. Brian and I aren't talking. We haven't spoken in three days... I freaked out on him... What was suppose to be a night of romance, turned into a night of.." _Liv tries to chose her words carefully. Looking into Lindstrom's eyes, she could tell that he got it. He knows what she means. _

"Intimacy is very tricky, you are not obligated to quickly heal after such a traumatic ordeal. It is natural for you to have reacted the way you did. Olivia recovery has no time frame."

"Yes well..." Her eyes are swelling with tears. "I thought. That I was ready. I really did."

"I have to ask you. Did you initiate this or did Brian initiate this?"

"I did... Brian has been great with everything so far and..." She stops at her thoughts.

"And?"

"And Brian. He's use of certain things... We started out fourteen years ago. I hurt him really bad. At that time we were both working at SVU and I don't believe in... Involving myself, romantically, with a coworker... It was a meaningless one night stand. He thought it was more and I treated him like... He didn't matter... Fourteen years later, we connect. At first it was sex. I mean it meant more to me then than it did all those years ago but like everyone else, I didn't believe we'd last this long. He even told me the reason for leaving the squad fourteen years ago.."

"Which was?"

"He couldn't work with... _me. _He said I broke his heart..." _She chokes on her words._

"I hear you feeling guilty again. This time for breaking your boyfriend's heart, for reacting normally to intimacy so soon after your sexual assault... Here's a question. Does Brian resent you for any these things?"

"No. And that's the worst part. He's like me in ways. Dedicated. Not easily willing to accept any help. Loyal to a fault. But. In many ways, he's not at all like me... He's not afraid to vocalize his feelings about us. He's affectionate, he oozes with compassion. I'm don't. I put up walls. I pretend to not give a damn just to avoid heartache. He cares with everything in him... After it happened, he actually apologized to me."

"Then you're the only one who's placing issues where they don't belong."

"Excuse me?" _A look of confusion paints Liv's face._

"From what I'm hearing? Brian cares about you for the person you are, not the person you were."

"Meaning he cares about me now. The shell? And he's with me for me. And not for the person, the sexual person I was before."

_He smiles_. "Correct." _He notices Liv's doubts_. "What is it?"

"That would be true if. If he didn't run into the bathroom after I made him stop. Instead of comforting me, he uh. He comforted himself."

"Sadly, that's a normal reaction. Doesn't mean he blames you... Men sometimes-"

"I know I know all about a man's needs." _She cuts him off_. "I'm trying so hard not to be effected by that but."

"But you do. And you have every right too. He neglected you. He thought of himself first."

"Yea... But I initiated it. I figured we're even. Right." _She lets out a pathetic chuckle while shaking her head._

"He's responsible for his actions, his excuses are invalid. You're not responsible for your actions, you're excuses are valid."

"Still. I can't help but think that I let him down. I mean I know that I should not." _Deep sigh_. "Feel this way. PTSD is real and its uncontrollable. After being assaulted, victims often experiences flashbacks. Intimacy is the number one trigger for every survivor... But I still feel like I let him down. And I shouldn't but I do. I do. And it's crazy because I've told this to hundreds of survivors." _The tears finally fall like light rain down her cheeks. _

**To Be Continued...**


	17. Chapter 17 - Stay

**Chapter Seventeen - Stay**

She didn't expect to find Brian home after her session with Dr. Lindstrom. But there he was. Sitting in his recliner, sipping on beer, and reading a sports magazine...

His head turns to the door as he hears her keys rattling. She opens the door and is surprised to see him. Still shaken from the other night, Liv doesn't speak. Brian ignores her silent treatment and finishes his beer. Liv escapes to the kitchen. She grabs a bottled water, drinks half of it, places it on the kitchen counter, and walk pass Brian.

Heading into the bedroom, Liv stops when she hears Brian's voice. "How long are we gonna do this Liv. I'm getting real tired of the silent treatment."

She's taking by his attitude. Almost insulted. "Well you don't have to put up with it for too much longer."

He stands to his feet and looks Liv straight in the eyes. "What's that suppose to mean?"

She rolls her eyes. She doesn't want to fight. She sighs. Choosing her words carefully, Liv answers Brian. "It means that I'm going back to my apartment Brian."

He doesn't want this. _Leaving? No_. This was unexpected. In fact, before Liv arrived, Brian was getting ready to break the ice. He was ready to end the tension that has silenced them for three days. He never thought that Liv would be the one to end the tension. _More importantly? _He never suspected that she would be the one to end the tension by leaving. If he had known any of this, he would have broken the ice earlier. Much earlier. He wants her to stay. But how can he stop her? "You sure you ready for that?"

Liv smirks. She finds Brian's comment offensive. "You think it's too soon for me to go back to my place?"

Brian cluelessly agrees. "It's just my opinion right?"

"Why should I stay?" She heads into the bedroom and begins to gather all of her clothing from drawers, the chest, etc. He follows.

"Your shrink says its a good move?" He watches as she grabs two suitcases from underneath Brian's bed.

"I don't need his permission to move back into my apartment. I'm an adult and I've always made my own decisions."

Brian falls onto the bed, his voice sounds tired. Tired, not from exhaustion, but tired from weariness. "Yeah Liv you. You can take care of yourself. Ya don't need anyone. Ya don't need me, right... I wanna apologize for taking up all your time lately." He gets in her face.

"That's not what I mean Brian but if you wanna take it that way then who am I to stop you?" She begins placing her clothing in the suitcases.

"Really Liv. You wanna start playing games. Now? Really?"

She turns to him with fire in her eyes. Completely taken back by his statement. "Games?" She shakes her head. "You think this is a game? You think what we're doing here, what I'm doing here is a game?"

Brian folds his arms, not backing down. "We ignore each other for three days and because we're both too stubborn to give in, you decide what? To leave?"

She tilts her head. Brian's last words repeats inside of her head. She smirks. "You know why I'm leaving."

He watches as she continues to pack. He's confused. "Why because of the other night? Of course it is." He nods his head. "Look.. I don't know how many times I have to apologize for doing that to you. I don't care how many times just..." He grabs her arm to prevent her from placing more clothing in the suitcase. "Look.. Please Liv... You can't leave.. Not like this."

She glances in his eyes, momentarily. If she looks him in the eye any longer, she'll lose all the strength she has left. She jerks her hand away from his grip. "Bri I'm," she begins to whisper as tears fall, "I'm sorry."

He takes hold of her arm again, and with tears in his eyes, he begins to plead. "The worst thing I could of done was that. What I did the other night. How I kept forcing myself to pretend this was normal. Just sex. We've done it countless of times. No big deal right. How I ran into that bathroom to jack it instead of making sure you were ok... I am beating myself up, I'm going fucking ape shit about this and you don't deserve any of this... You trusted me to take care of you, and even though I am, I don't get to complain about you not letting me... Take. Care of you anymore... I made a mistake Liv. I don't deserve your forgiveness. But I'm asking for it anyway."

Liv turns to him, tears drowning her face. "Besides the job? Brian you're all I have.. But." She pulls her arm away from Brian's clutches. "I need to figure a lot of things out. I think I-we. I think we need space. We need to be apart for a while." She tilts her head as she tries to make her voice sound firm. Only, her voice comes out sounding out like a small child.

Brian's pleading eyes refuses to close. He doesn't even want to blink. He wants to stare at her like it's the last time he ever will. He knows he's losing her _or_ _has he already lost her?_ "Liv please don't go. Not like this..." Brian says as tears form in his eyes. His face is hopeless. Defeated. Desperate. "Not when I just got you back."

Suddenly, Brian grabs her face and kisses her passionately. He just wants to be close to her, to touch her, to feel her, and to take all of her in... She tries to push him away, at first, but ends up giving in. She wants his protection and security. She isn't clinging onto him like a weak damsel in distress. She is clinging onto him like someone not easily broken yet terrified of lonliness.

Brian's soothing tongue wets her dry mouth. His scruffy face brushes gently on her milky olive skin. She feels his warm tears colliding with her warm tears. This goes on for seconds. Both lovers, not wanting at all to pull away, not wanting to let go. They held one another tightly. It was as if pulling away from another meant the ending of humanity.

Brian is the one to pull back. As much as he wanted this to continue, he could feel Liv shaking. Rather her shaking was caused from fear or caused from excitement, he knew the best thing to do was pull back.

Breathing heavy, her voice trembling, Liv grabs one suitcase. "I can't do this.." She grabs the other suitcase and walks out, leaving Brian a completely broken man.

* * *

Later that evening...

_**It's not much of a life you're living. **__**It's not just something you take–it's given. **__**Round and around and around and around we go. **__**Now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know. **__**Not really sure how to feel about it. **__**Something in the way you move. **__**Makes me feel like I can't live without you. **__**It takes me all the way. I want you to stay.**_

...

A crisp summer's night. Brian Cassidy walks the streets of New York City, feeling like a stranger. Everything appears new and unfamiliar. The buildings, the lights, the passerby's, the cabs, the smells, the loud noises, etc. Things that he's observed, smelled, and has heard on daily basis is now dissociated from Brian's world. And because the last few weeks of his world revolved solely around _her_, she was all he knew. Olivia was _and is_ his world.

The fall would be coming soon. The smell of autumn leaves dances near Brian's nose. The fall was his favorite season. It was the season that prepares the world for a new year. He was hoping that he and Liv would bring in 2014 together. Strangely, as he ponders on the new year, he looks up and notices where he is, _Time Square. Time square, ball dropping for twenty, one-four. That's where me and Liv'll be. _

His thoughts weighed him down. He's never had to fight or beg a woman to reconcile. He never thought any of them were worth that much fight. Sex was almost always the focus for Brian in all his relationships. But not with Liv. Not with the woman he desired to grow old with. It was more than sex. Much more.

Brian must have walked the streets of NYC for two hours until he finally made it to his unknown destination. After Liv left his place, Brian headed to a sports bar. He drunk a few beers then began his long walk. He just wanted to walk it off. Walk off every feeling. There was no specific place, no specific destination.

Standing outside of her apartment building, Brian realized that his subconscious brought him right where he needed to be. His heart beats faster with every step closer. He doesn't want to enter. He wants to enter. Utter confusion and anxiety attacks Brian to his core. It was as if he was in a boxing match where some people cheered him on and others screamed for him to take a dive.

For a fraction of a second, all of his screaming thoughts stopped. He takes the chance to run inside the apartment complex. There was no turning back. _No elevators_. Elevators were too slow. Elevators would give him time to think, to change his mind. His feet has a dull ache from all the walking but he choses to take the stairs. As he enters the stairway, he finds an elderly couple arguing.

"Monie, you gotta stop sleeping in these stairways ya yutz." An elderly woman yells at her elderly-snoring husband while hitting him repeatedly with her bamboo purse.

Brian rushes pass them and reaches Liv's hall. It's quite dark. The only light bulb in the hallway flashes on and off. Brian finds this hallway eerily quiet. Quiet enough to hear his own heartbeat. He walks towards the end, towards Liv's door. He notices a dark figure sitting on the outside of her apartment door. Taking out his phone, Brian uses the flashlight app to get a better look.

There she was. Sitting on the floor, visibly shaking. Gripping onto herself so tightly. Her eyes are as stone and red as a person who's inhaled an entire plant of marijuana. Brian stoops to her side, severely concerned. "Liv?"

For seconds, Liv's stare remains. Brian decides to give her what he think she needs. All she needs is someone to just be there. Not to give her advice. Not to give her comfort. Not to do anything other than just be there.

He sits next to her, rests his head against the wall, and breathes. For almost an hour, they sit in silence. Brian worries about what's going on inside of Liv's mind. Liv's mind, for the first time in a while, is empty. Finally, she lets out a deep breath.

"I can't do it. I tried but... I can't go in there." Her whispering and breathless voice tortures Brian. He tries to think of something to say. Then, suddenly Liv continues. "I don't know I guess I-"

"Had to see it for yourself?" Brian interrupts, finishing her sentence like the better half of a person should.

"I made a mistake..." She shakes her head. "But I had to see if I could, ya know?"

"Yea Liv I got that but... Can you let me in. You shouldn't of come here alone. I should have followed you after you left.. We gotta talk. We gotta open up to each other because if we don't do that then I don't know.." He sighs.

"For the first time in my life... I've lost control. The decisions I make are getting more and more irrational and..." She lets out a small cry, but no tears. "I feel so lost."

"As long as I'm breathing Liv? You never have to feel lost again. Wherever you are is my home. And I need you to know that wherever I am, is your home."

"The other night? It wasn't completely your fault. How you handled it, yes but. But not how it started. I'm sorry." Her voice is cracking.

"No. Please don't apologize to me just? Tell me. Tell me where I can touch you. When I can kiss you. If I do something that reminds you of whatever he did to you then tell me. Let me know this Liv. You lead I follow right. And.." He pauses. He's trying to think of a fair way to say this next statement. "I know that you would rather not talk about what happened but. But I need you to tell me everything babe. It's the only way we can get things better right. Huh?" He turns to her and smiles. "We can't go back. We gotta move forward. You all I got now Liv and I want us to grow through his together... Not apart." Brian is relieved when Liv grabs his hand. She nods her head. She agrees with everything he's saying. "Because everything I am is-in love with you," Brian concludes.

Liv turns to him, places her face against his, and hugs him tightly. "Thank you for loving me." Liv holds him more tighter as she feels him pulling away. She's not done embracing him, he holds no complaints. "And thank you for letting me love you." Her words shock Brian and causes him to hold her like his life depended on it... After the long embrace, Brian and Liv leave. They hail a cab and return to Brian's home. _Their home. _

_**I want you to stay. **__**The reason I hold on.**__** 'Cause I need this hole gone. **__**Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving. **__**'Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving...**_

**To Be Continued...**


End file.
